Sep 9, 2010

Understatement to follow: This Saturday is going to be a whole lot of fun.

Perhaps it’s all one big coincidence, folks. Perhaps it’s nothing more than, I don't know, happenstance. Perhaps there is no miracle here at all.

Rather, perhaps what we are about to witness this weekend is simply the result of a remarkable confluence of a bunch of different (and good) people working at a bunch of different (and good) college football programs making a bunch of different (and very good) decisions a bunch of years ago.

Maybe This Saturday is just one big accident.

But you know what? In the end, it doesn’t really matter why This Saturday—this bound-to-be awesome Saturday—is going to happen. All that matters is that it is going to happen. Yes, it’s going to happen, and it’s going to be awesome and colorful and emotional and brutal, and we’re all going to remember it for years and years to come.

Because I assure you, folks: This Saturday will be a special Saturday. A bit more special than your average college football Saturday, at least, and that’s saying something, because as you all know, every college football Saturday is a wonderful thing.

But not every Saturday can be as good as This Saturday.

No, This Saturday is going to be special because This Saturday will bring us Three Important Things.

Renewal.

Revenge.

And Respect.

We shall explore each now.

***

Let us begin with the Renewal, and a Showdown Of Historic Proportions, As Always, set to be played in a little town they call South Bend. You may have heard of it.

You may have also heard of the Michigan Wolverines. The guys in the maize and blue. The program built by Yost. The team that plays in that quaint old shack known as the Big House. The college football institution that has won more games than any other team in the entire damn history of college football. Owners of the most awesome fight song ever.

Yeah, that Michigan.

Home to the Michigan Man. And national titles. And Suzuki Heisman Trophies. And Bo.

Michigan is, in a word, Michigan.

Only, of late, things haven’t been feeling very Michigan in Michigan. As you’ve probably heard by now (and, depending on your loyalties, quite likely enjoyed) the Wolverines have gone 8-16 over the past two years ... including an 0-6 mark against Ohio State, Michigan State and Penn State. No bowls. No glory. Just a whole bunch o' misery. I mean, the Wolverines just haven’t been very good. They’ve been quite miserable, actually.

But now?

Well, now things are looking up in Ann Arbor. Looking up, that is, mostly thanks to a too-small but certainly not too-slow quarterback from SEC country who goes by the nickname Shoelaces. He accounted for about 350 yards of total offense last week. Scored three touchdowns, too.

His name is Robinson. Denard Robinson. He’s the new Desmond Howard.

And all at once, it appears the fog of misery that has blanketed Ann Arbor since 2007 may finally be breaking up.

It hasn’t cleared yet, though. Not by a long shot.

And those At-Times Annoying Fellows From South Bend have made it their mission to make sure that Michigan doesn’t escape its fog—or, at the very least, doesn’t escape its fog before mighty Notre Dame escapes its fog.

Because, yeah, let's face it: Things haven’t been quite so rosy in South Bend of late, either.

There was this guy coaching there for a while, you see. A product of the NFL (snore). A big Xs and Os guy. Or so he said. What he really was, as it turns out, was a very bad Ws and Ls guy.

The Arrogant One never did turn the corner in South Bend, never truly respected the place more responsible for the greatness of college football than any other, never fully embraced the college game at all. No, he always was and stubbornly remained an NFL guy—all brain, no heart. Once-proud Notre Dame suffered as a result. Heck, all of college football suffered as a result.

But now?

Well, now things are looking up in South Bend. Looking up, that is, mostly thanks to an Absolute Freaking Genius who has won everywhere he’s been and figures to win at Notre Dame, too.

His name is Kelly. Brian Kelly. He’s the new Ara Parseghian.

And all at once, it appears the fog of misery that has blanked South Bend since 2005 may finally be breaking up.

It hasn’t cleared yet, though, just like it hasn’t cleared at Michigan.

This Saturday, though?

Well, This Saturday gives The New Ara a chance to prove that he’s the guy for Notre Dame—the guy who can reset the clocks in South Bend, restore this program to its rightful place among the college football elite, and renew the belief of the Irish faithful.

I like his chances.

***

Enough happy talk for now, though, folks.

Let us turn now to Revenge.

Let us turn to The Elephant In The Horseshoe.

The Unsettled Score.

The Moment That Destroyed Miami’s Program Forever, And Made Our Lives Happier As a Result.

Flashback: The year is 2003. The date is January 3. The time is … well, it’s late. The underdog Ohio State Buckeyes are driving for a game-saving, game-tying score against the heavily favored, heavily overrated, heavily overconfident Miami Hurricanes. It's overtime. It’s fourth and 3. Buckeyes on the 5 yard line.

A scrappy, brainy Buckeye quarterback by the name of Craig Krenzel (because he was both scrappy and brainy, you see, he specifically did not go to Miami) tosses a fairly horrible pass in the general direction of Buckeye wideout/cornerback/kick returner (and Florida native) Chris Gamble. The pass falls incomplete. Miami celebrates and their fans fire weapons into the Arizona sky, scaring the coyotes and UFOs.

And then?

Well, then an official by the name of Terry Porter throws a flag. Pass interference.

Buckeye ball.

One-yard line.

Fast-forward: The Buckeyes win. And though in reality the Buckeyes won because they knocked the living bejesus out of a bunch of ‘Canes who didn’t understand what getting hit was all about (also see: 1987 Fiesta Bowl), that’s not the story that was told the next day in Miami. No, the story told the next day in Miami is that of A Great Northern Conspiracy—a conspiracy to hand the national title to allegedly squeaky-clean Ohio State. Which was ridiculous, of course, because we all know Ohio State is anything but squeaky clean (see: Jim Tressel; Veneer of Class). But I digress.

Yes, folks, those ‘Canes fans—all 17 of them—were downright bitter about that late pass interference call. In fact, they are still bitter to this very day.

They’ve even drafted The Increasingly Insecure SEC Mob to join their cause, because as we all know, The Increasingly Insecure SEC Mob at times doesn’t like to confront reality. Realities such as those that involve teams from The Part Of The Country That Runs Faster suffering defeat at the hands of teams from The Part Of The Country That Thinks Faster.

In other words, folks, this game—Ohio State-Miami, 2010—isn’t just about the 2003 Fiesta Bowl.

No, it’s also about old North-South antipathies. It’s also about a clash of cultures.

But yeah, OK, it’s mostly about revenge

The ‘Canes want it.

The Buckeyes want them to shut up about it already.

So do I.

Go Bucks.

***

Then there’s Penn State-Alabama.

Oh my God yes then there’s Penn State-Alabama.

[Deep breath; struggling to find the words]

There have been big games in Your Editor’s college football life, folks. But this one is certainly among the biggest. Not necessarily because there’s much at stake here. Not necessarily because I expect a win. Not necessarily because of that whole North-South thing.

No, what makes this big game A Truly Big Game is … history. Deep, important, smack-you-in-the-face, truly awesome history.

Coaching history.

I am obviously quite biased here, folks, but I think you could make a pretty good case that three most important coaches in college football over the past century are the following: Rockne. Bryant. Paterno.

Rockne for taking a regional game and turning it into a truly national obsession (and for winning a ton of games).

Bryant for ending segregation in the SEC and building a college football Mecca in the South (and for winning a ton of games).

And Paterno for reminding everyone that the word “college” in “college football” is just as important—more important, really—than the word “football” in “college football” (and for winning a ton of games).

Rockne’s legend lives on, of course, out there in South Bend; deservedly so. But his shadow doesn’t quite hover over The Entire Damn College Football World quite the way that Bryant’s does.

Rockne was a comet.

Bryant? A mountain.

The man was epic in life, enormous in death—the hound’s-tooth hat, the Southern drawl, the win-or-die attitude, the love for the game, the hatred of losing, the way he cared for his boys, the way he dominated an entire culture. Bryant fundamentally changed life in the South; he fundamentally changed the state of Alabama; he fundamentally changed college football.

And, yes,  he fundamentally changed one Joseph Vincent Paterno, who has not only admitted that his three losses to Bryant were tremendously bruising to his admittedly large ego, but also that he has remained in coaching specifically because of what happened to Bryant after he retired (that being, that Bryant died).

The reality is, now that Bobby Bowden has left the game, Paterno is modern college football’s last link to Bryant, its greatest icon.

So it seems almost all too perfect—too damn perfect, I say—that Paterno, The Last Lion, will on Saturday lead his Penn State Nittany Lions onto the field at Bryant-Denny Stadium to take on the mighty Alabama Crimson Tide, Bryant’s old program, on the very day that Bryant himself would have turned 97.

Yes, folks, that's right: Saturday is Bryant’s birthday. And Penn State and Alabama will celebrate in the most fitting way possible: With a football game.

What a sight it will be, folks.

Penn State, in their road whites (Best Uniforms In All of Sports), charging into The House That Bear Built, welcomed by an Alabama crowd that, I assure you, will be so darn respectful that you won’t believe what you’re seeing/hearing. The Crimson Tide then following suit, taking to the field behind SABAN and the sounds of "Yea, Alabama!" Or, possibly, this song.

Crimson and white. Blue and white.

The living Paterno and the legend of Bryant.

Crimson Tide. Nittany Lions.

Crimson Tide-Nittany Lions.

Crimson Tide-Nittany Lions!

History. Tradition. Honor.

Respect.

And a Saturday beyond all others.

out and about: news and notes you may have missed

• Alabama fans apparently really respect Penn State. Really. Not making this up, folks. If I have been struck by anything in the days leading up to this week's Incredibly Super-Awesome Clash Between True Colege Football Bluebloods, it is this: The stunning lack of trash talk. Usually, of course, when Teams Of This Stature clash, there is much ballyhoo and nonsense. Especially these days, in The Day Of The Moronic Sports Fan. Not with 'Bama-Penn State, though, folks. In fact, not only have a group of Extremely Classy 'Bama Fans started a Facebook group encouraging their Tide brethren to offer the Nits—and Saint Joe Paterno—a standing ovation upon their arrival at Bryant-Denny Stadium, but SABAN this week issued a sort of Alabama football fatwa. The demands of that Alabama football fatwa? This: That Alabama fans are to under no circumstances boo Penn State. Said SABAN: "Our football program and our stadium is probably the largest window that anyone looks at in the state of Alabama and maybe the University of Alabama, and I just don't think there's any place for booing anywhere in college football, and that includes booing the other team. [Penn State] is a class program with class people that have been there for 45 years and done wonderful things for college football, the game of football and a lot of people over a 45-year period. And I think it would be a damn crying shame if we booed them." OH MY GOD SABAN IS AWESOME. The best part about SABAN's statement, folks, is the fact that every Alabama fan will actually listen to him.

• The Hawaii Warriors/Rainbows/Rainbow Warriors this week embarked on a nine-hour flight from Honolulu to Newark, N.J. (snore), a fight made necessary by their scheduled game this week against Army at the Meadowlands (snore). Just making that awful flight must have been bad enough (Your Editor is not a fan of air travel, folks; viva high-speed rail!). But when the Warriors/Rainbows/Rainbow Warriors arrived in Jersey (you can insert your own sound effect here), things got even worse: They had to practice ... in the hotel parking lot. Yes! In the hotel parking lot! For reasons that I have yet been able to discern, the Hawaii coaches actually put their players through the paces on the asphalt outside their hotel. The hotel was located in something called Park Ridge, which the Honolulu Advertiser described as "a New Jersey suburb" (you can insert your own joke here). How (awful) was the practice? Said Hawaii quarterback Bryant Moniz: "I played football on the streets of Wahiawa all the time. It's a little more windy than usual. It's a little cooler than Wahiawa. But I like it here. The roads are paved better here." Insert joke here about the entirety of New Jersey being coated in a perfectly laid pancake of asphalt.

quick hits: straight and to the point

• Michigan, which as of Tuesday had approximately zero defensive backs on its roster, now has less than zero, as sophomore safety Vladimir Emilien (!) decided to transfer on Wednesday. Emilien will be replaced by somebody named Ray Vinopal. Brian Kelly pleased.

• Michigan has a tailback named Fitz Toussaint. If nothing else, the Wolverines lead the Big Ten in Awesome Names. And remember, last year this team had a guy named Boubacar Cissoko.

• Last week, the Kansas Jayhawks, who apparently still play football, lost to North Dakota State. By the score of 6-3. Not exactly a great start to The Turner Gill Era. But the embrassment of That Awful Loss didn't end with the final whistle; no, things got worse this week when North Dakota State's coach, Craig Bohl, said the following regarding his team's upcoming showdown against Northern Iowa: "I think the environment we're going to play in in Cedar Falls is going to be much more of a hostile environment thatn Memorial Stadium in Kansas. That was pretty docile." Ouch. But wait. There's more, folks. Continued Bohl: "And the type of team we're going to be playing is going to be a much more physical, aggressive football team than Kansas. And quite frankly I think we're going to be playing a better opponent." Craig Bohl, you are all class.

• Frigthening statistic from ESPN numbers/stats nerd Brad Edwards: Over the past 15 years, the Associated Press No. 1-ranked team is 26-0 at home against ranked opponents. The average margin of victory in those 26 wins, according to Edwards? Try 22 points. Awesome.

• One more tidbit from Edwards: There are only two teams in college football that have not given up more than 24 points in a single game since the start of the 2009 season. Those two teams? Alabama. And Penn State. Awesome!

• Quote of the Week: Alabama quarterback Greg McElory, speaking to The Crimson White, on playing Penn State: "It's a game that I've had circled on my calendar for the past four or five years. It's a game you tell recruits about and it's a game that I was aware of when I first got on campus. It's obviously one of those games; it's a showcase game. We always kept saying, 'I hope coach Paterno's still coaching. It would be great to compete against him.'" Awesome!!!

• So Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor wants Ohio State fans to be respectful of The Worst Person From Akron Ever should that person show up to watch the Ohio State-Miami game this weekend. Said Pryor, who has poor taste in pro athletes: "If LeBron does come, just treat him with respect and respect his decision. Please, no name calling or booing or anything like that. Please. That's my mentor." Dear Terrelle, your mentor sucks.

• Hey, folks, our old friend The Soldier is back. With his NFL (snore) career in shambles, he is left to ponder with great bitterness what could have been back in 2003, if only Terry Porter hadn't thrown that flag (and if only he and his fellow Miami teammates weren't afraid of contact). Speaking to CBS SportsLine muckraker Dennis Dodd this week, The Soldier said of the 2003 Fiesta Bowl: "The best team didn't win." Dear The Solider, you are a loser.

• The best college football broadcasters in the business: 3. Brad Nessler. 2. Chris Fowler. 1. Dave Revsine. And yes, I’m serious about that. Revsine is a true professional. And a future guest on the TCFA Podcast.

• The worst college football broadcasters in the business: 3. Todd McShay. 2. Mark May. 1. Gary Danielson. Danielson, because he is The Single Biggest Sellout In The World Not Named LeBron James.

• In honor of Penn State-Alabama, and in rebuttal to Virginia Tech-Boise State, I offer this list of the Top 10 Uniforms In College Football (and, by extension, all of sports): 10. Army. 9. Auburn. 8. Georgia. 7. Nebraska. 6. Michigan. 5. Notre Dame. 4. Ohio State. 3. Texas. 2. Ohio State (home). 1. Penn State (road). You can disagree if you want. But you'd be wrong.

• Last week, in a Puzzling And Extremely Disappointing Loss to Maryland (ugh), the Navy Midshipmen fumbled twice inside the five-yard-line. They also were stuffed on fourth-and-goal from the 1-yard-line with less than a minute to play. It was quite possibly the worst moment in the history of The Triple Option. So, what say you, Navy Coach Ken Nuimatalolo? Well, Coach Nuimatalolo says this: “I can't remember a time where we rushed for 400 yards and lost a ballgame We should have had 31 points." Yes, you should have, coach. But no worries. Here at TCFA, that game shall be recorded for all time as a Navy win. Because Navy is good and Maryland is bad. And because you run The Triple Option.

• Song of the Week: “O My Soul,” Big Star. Somehow, folks, and someway, the greatness of the 1970s power-pop band Big Star eluded Your Music-Obsessed Editor for years and years and years. And then this past spring, I found them. And it all became clear: This was the band than bridged the 70s and the 90s. They never sold any records. They never made it big. All they did was change the history of music. Forever. No overstatement there, folks.

• Looking for picks, folks? Well, look here.

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• Looking for even more searing college football insight? Well, look here.