Sep 16, 2010

I’ve won over Young Jack. That much I know.

I knew I had him last November, toward the very end of the 2009 season, when, on a typically dreary, rainy late Autumn college football afternoon, Young Jack came down into My Penn State-Themed Basement and presented to me … a book. A book, that is, that he had just written, upstairs at the kitchen table, while facing the television, watching the Iron Bowl.

The title of the book was, “College Football.” It was ten pages long, with each page depicting either a college football action scene (“Penn State vs. Ohio State”) or a notable college football figure (one page was devoted to Ole Ball Coach, with a caption reading, ‘The Ole Ball Coach wears a visor;’ another honored Houston Nutt with a crookedly strewn, 'The Right Reverand Houston Nutt') or, most impressively, offered some kind of college football commentary (the letters ‘ESPN,’ with that Ghostbusters-style red line drawn through it, and the damning words: ‘The SEC is tremendously overrated’).

Now, Young Jack did have some assistance on this book, of course.

I may have contributed some, you know, ideas.

But the fact is, Young Jack spent a solid couple of hours putting those second-hand ideas into action. He made sure each team and player and coach was colored in their proper color. I mean, he was proud of that book. And he’s since produced many, many more, with such engaging titles as “Michigan State,” “My Penn State Book” and “Garrett Gilbert Plays for Texas.” Those were all his. If you don’t believe me, I have the evidence.

Young Jack, simply, loves college football.

He has spent hours paging through the ESPN College Football Encyclopedia. He has asked probing, deeply inquisitive and seemingly endless questions about the intricacies of the game. He has plopped himself down at the computer and watched the same Penn State-related YouTube videos over and over and over again (Penn State vs. Michigan State 2008 is his favorite, with the 2006 Orange Bowl a close second), stopping only when instructed to by an unamused Mrs. Your Editor. And of course, he has spent hours and hours and hours watching college football with Your Editor; immediately afterward, he goes into the yard to re-enact the memorable/awesome/legendary plays he just saw on the TV.

Anyway, so yes, Jack is sold on college football.

He is my college football buddy, the guy I figure I’ll be going to games with—games in Happy Valley, games in Columbus, games in Iowa City, games in Ann Arbor—for years and years and years to come.

When it comes to college football, in other words, I know where Jack fits in.

Then there are my girls.

***

My sister grew up with two older brothers, a father and a mother who were absolutely in love with the game of football. Which means she essentially had no choice but to love the game, too.

And so it has come to pass that my sister, the ever-pluckish and talented Colleen, is about as devoted a Penn State fan as there is on this big old lonely planet.

I don’t doubt that she truly loves the game. I mean, I know she truly loves the game.

But in the ever-complicated, ever-hotly-contested battle of nature vs. nurture, I am willing to bet that the latter had a lot more to do with her college football infatuation than the former.

Just sayin'.

Which brings me to The Ever-Demanding Anna and Princess Leah, my Boo-Boo Bear and my Beah Bear, who, unlike Colleen, are being brought up in a household—and by an extended family—that tilts not only in favor of the feminine (with the sad passing of our basset hound, The Wily Eli, last winter, Jack and I are officially outnumbered), but also toward the game of ... [prepare to gasp] baseball.

Yes, folks, Your Editor’s college football influence looms large over the household, but it’s a one-man show; Mrs. Your Editor, though interested in the game, would much prefer a Phillies World Series Championship over a Penn State national championship. Much of her family—her mother and father, her aunts and uncles, her multitudinous cousins—feel the same way. So just as college football is relegated to the fringes of sports culture here in The Beautiful Wissahickon Valley, so too is college football relegated to the fringes of discussion within the confines of The Fisher Clan.

Yes, I have the environment working against me.

But that's not the big issue. No, the big issue is this: I don’t think my girls really care that much for college football.

Maybe it’s too early to make this call with Princess Leah—she is, after all, only 16 months old—but she does display many of the same attributes as her sister, The Ever-Demanding Anna, who is, shall we say, A Princess Above All Princesses. Anna is a dainty, delicate, girly-beyond-girly little whisp of a thing, and I’m not sure college football falls much north of bedtime on her list of her favorite things.

Which, of course, is perfectly fine. I neither expect nor especially desire that my girls grow up with a potentially unhealthy obsession with Our Great National Game.

At the sme time, well, I’ll kinda feel guilty if I can’t and/or don’t end up sharing this whole college football thing with them—at least in some way.

See, because, me and Jack now have this thing—this college football thing—that we can share and will share for years and years and decades and decades to come. I am completely serious when I say I have already planned road trips with him (Madison or Iowa City will be the first), that I have already envisioned tailgates with him, that I can already picture in my mind (in the very distant future of course) tipping back a few celebratory post Nits-win beers at Zeno’s Pub with him.

But the girls?

Well, something tells me they’re just not going to be interested in spending a cold November day at at Camp-Randall, or enduring a four-hour mud-soaked tailgate In The Shadow of Mount Nittany.

Heck, I’m not really sure the girls are going to even care whether or not the Nits win or lose.

And in case you hadn’t noticed, well, I do.

A little bit.

***

So now what?

Answer: I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

I do know, at the very least, the facts, which so far as I can tell, break down as follows:

1. I love my beautiful baby girls.

2. My beautiful baby girls love me (most of the time).

3. I love college football.

4. My beautiful baby girls love pink things, the televised offerings of PBS Sprout, big pretty flowers and fluffy, pretty dolls and/or cuddly stuffed animals.

They don’t love "Hail to the Victors," "The Notre Dame Victory March" or even "The Nittany Lion" (Anna says the song scares her; Leah just screams whenever I put the Blue Band on); they don’t love The Right Reverend Houston Nutt or Ole Ball Coach; they don’t love the vocal Saturday stylings of Brad Nessler; they don’t love Ro*Tel; and they don’t love dedicating the entirety of their Saturdays to watching college football with their Daddy and big brother in the Penn State Themed Basement.

They just don’t, you know, particularly like college football.

***

That was my conclusion, at least, as of Tuesday morning, just about the time I had made my way through about 1,200 words of this column. The end of the piece, so I thought, was so very clearly in sight: I just needed to put a nice tidy bow on things.

But you know what?

I couldn’t seem to find a way to close the darn thing out. The words weren’t there. I got frustrated. Almost scrapped the entire piece, actually.

Then, like so much Manna From Heaven (Happy Valley), there arrived a text message on my iPhone. A photo message, to be exact. It was from Mrs. Your Editor, and at first, I couldn’t quite make out what the photo was.

Then I read the text attached to it.

It read as follows: “Anna drew football guy with helmet today.”

And that she did. You can even see her lovely drawing right over here (---->).

Pretty cute, right?

Now, does this mean Anna will want to spend Every Saturday Forever watching college football with her Dad? No, probably not. Does this mean that I will have the same college football connection with my girls as I do, already, with Young Jack? No, not necessarily.

I mean, truth be told, it probably means nothing more than the fact that Anna, on this random Tuesday morning, felt like drawing a football guy wearing a helmet. Nothing more.

And that’s fine.

Because, you see, Anna told me it's fine.

Explanation: Late Wednesday, just as I was putting Anna to bed, and with this entire issue weighing somewhat heavily on my mind, I decided to address the issue directly. With my Boo-Boo Bear.

“Anna," I asked, "you know how Jack and Daddy watch college football?”

“Yes.”

“Do you like watching college football with Daddy?”

“No," she said. Flatly.

"Why not?"

"I like watching my show.”

“Oh, OK. That's OK.”

[Dramatic pause]

“But I do like Daddy.”

And with that, the issue was settled.

out and about: news and notes you may have missed

• Your Editor is not the only one infatuated with The Fastest Man To Ever Play In the Big Ten. No, as you might imagine, folks, pretty much the entire college football nation—except for the folks down South, who always get a bit uptight when people up north run fast—is in love with the guy, too. But folks in Michigan? Well, suffice to say, they are really in love with the guy, so much so that one group of Borderline Creepy But We’ll-Give-Them-A-Pass-‘Cause-The-Kid-Is-Really-Good Fans who this week debuted what’s surely the No. 1 hit in Ann Arbor (er, well, maybe not Ann Arbor—college radio snobs and all, folks—but definitely, like, Flint): A song, played to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson,” they have tiled [what else but …] “Denard Robinson.” The lyrics include the following: “And here's to you, Denard Robinson / Rich Rod helps more than you will know (whoa, whoa, whoa) / Rush if you please, Denard Robinson, the Big House is the place for those who play (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey). / We'd like to see you keep on playing Heisman Trophy-style. / We'd like to hoist a trophy on the shelf. Look around, and you will see us bleeding maize and blue. / Don't get injured, or we’ll lose.” I just love that last line, folks. Anyway, while The Snake-Oil Salesman Wearing A Wizard’s Hat most certainly must be happy about having The Best Player In Michigan History Since Tom Harmon on his roster, he also has to be worried about all of this newfound fame will impact the kid, right? Well, not to worry, says Michigan center David Molk. Here’s why: "Denard's probably the best person that could handle this fame. He doesn't like interviews." Well OK then.

• News flash: UCLA sucks. The Once-Awesome But Now Very Zookish Rick Neuheisel has produced absolutely zero results at his alma mater, this despite being there for three years (no, I'm not counting last season's win over Temple in the EagleBank Bowl as an "achievement"), and things don’t look like they’re going to turn around any time soon. And here's why: In case you hadn’t heard, the Bruins—Your Editor’s Favorite College Football Team For A Time In The Late 1980s (I had a UCLA sweatshirt and everything)—lost last week to Stanford by the score of [drumroll, please] … 35-0. Yes, 35-0! At home! The Bruins mustered all of 233 total yards. They were 1-of-9 on third down. They had four turnovers. This performance came on the heels of an equally embarassing Week 1 loss to The Team Formerly Known As Kansas State; in that one, the Bruins were 3-of-13 on third down and commited (just?) three turnovers. Then there's this: Over these two games, folks, Bruins quarterback Kevin Prince is 15-of-38 (that's 39.5 percent) for 159 yards, one touchdown and three interceptions. Wasn't Zookheisel supposed to be some kind of genius? Said Zookheisel: “We have to fix what is ailing us." What is ailing UCLA? Answer: Zookheisel.

Quick Hits: Straight And To The Point

• Simply utstanding piece by Associated Press National Writer Nancy Armour this week about Boise State. Among the little nuggets of truth that Armour shared with the college football world? 1. That since 1997, Boise State has a record of 134-31—best of any school in the nation. 2. That Boise State’s home record since 2000 is freaking 63-2. 3. That Boise State has founded as a university only in 1932—and that it only achieved fully accredited university status in … 1974! 4. That despite its 20,000-strong enrollment, Boise remains mostly a commuter school … with 40 percent of its student body being age 25 or older. And that's just the tip of the factual iceburg, folks. It’s a great piece with great quotes, and you should definitely check it out here.

• So Reggie Bush gave his Suzuki Heisman Trophy back. Why? I have no idea. Nor do I have any idea why The Suzuki Heisman Trust was considering taking it away in the first place. Bush was the best player in the country in 2005. He may well have been the best player of the entire decade. I mean, you certainly can't say he didn't earn that trophy. Did he cheat? Yes. But he didn't cheat on the field. And then there's this: I am quite certain that if we dug long and hard enough, we'd find dirt on a few other Suzuki Heisman Trophy winners, too. Not including John Cappalletti, of course.

• From The TCFA Department Of Promising News: Ole Ball Coach is being Ole Ball Coach again. In the wake of South Carolina's 17-6 over Georgia and The Increasingly Warm Posterior Of Mark Richt, Ole Ball Coach thrust a verbal dagger into the football heart of new Dawgs defense coordinator and former NFL (snore) assistant Todd Grantham, whose defense had no answer for Carolina freshman tailback Marcus Lattimore—nor the trap play that Spurrier called with Lattimore about 17,200 times during the win. Said Spurrier: "That little inside zone play, the NFL doesn't run it much. So that's a new little scheme, I guess. Anyway, you'll have to ask them. I'm sure they knew we were gonna run it, but they certainly didn't stop it much." YEAH BALL COACH.

• Just throwing this out there, folks: Penn State plays Kent State this weekend. And you may want to tune in. Here's why: Penn State can't run the ball. Kent State, coincidentally, has the No. 1 rush defense in the country. They lost last week at Boston College, 26-13, but committed five turnovers. If the Flashes can find any kind of offense, and if the Nits can't run the ball? Well, game on.

• Have you noticed, folks, all of those ACL injuries of late? Yeah, me too. Wondering what might be causing all of those ACL injuries? Well, wonder no more. The answer is: Field Turf (snore). According to a recent study from A Very Good Man by the name of Dr. Elliott B. Hershman, teams that play on Field Turf showed an 88 percent higher ACL injury rate than teams that don't play on That Horrible Crap. Lesson here, folks? Simple: Football is to be played on natural grass. If you make your team/program/players play on artificial turf, you are A Bad Person.

• In the wake of that Utterly Embarassing Loss to James Madison last Saturday, Virginia Tech defensive coordinator Bud Foster called his defense back to the Tech football facility for a Monday morning meeting. An early Monday morning. Specifically, a 6:45 a.m. Monday morning meeting. Said Foster: "We've got so many young kids that they don't know. They think they know the expectations. They think they know how to work as major college footblal players. But they don't." YEAH BUD FOSTER.

• The ACC is currently 0-5 against teams from other BCS-automatic qualifier conferences. Bang-up job, ACC.

• This Saturday in Columbus, when The Second-Best Team In The Big Ten takes on Ohio University, Buckeye wideout Devier Posey wil find himself lined up across from [drumroll, please] ... his big brother. 'Cause you see, Julian Posey is a starting cornerback for the Bobcats. He told reporters this week that his little brother is "ugly." YEAH JULIAN POSEY.

• Looking for picks? Well, click here.

• Looking for this week's podcast (of course you're looking for this week's podcast)? Well, click here.

• Looking for a new website dedicated entirely to Ro*Tel? Well, click here.

• And, finally, looking for even more searing insight into the world of The Greatest Sport The World Has Ever Seen And The Greatest Thing There Is About Being An American? Well, click here.