Oct 1, 2010

It’s not fashionable to love the Big Ten these days. I mean, just ask ESPN. They’ll tell you.

But you know what, folks?

I’m 34.

I’ve got three kids, a mortgage, college saving accounts, and very little in the way of what you might call "expendable income." Which means being “fashionable” went out the window a long, long time ago. So, no, the latest-and-greatest doesn’t do much for me. I’m barely aware of the latest pop culture news (except, of course, for what’s happening in music). Trends, fads, what’s hot. I don’t care about any of it. Not one bit.

Because, you see, folks, at my advanced age, the reality is this: I am what I am.

And a big part of what I am? Well, a big part of what I am is this: A Big Ten guy.

Yes, I love the Big Ten.

Love it.

Always have. Loved it when I was kid, back when I rooted (like everybody else in Ohio) for the Ohio State Buckeyes. Loved it when I was in college, living in The Most Perfect Place On Earth, rooting for The Greatest Coach Ever and His Stately Nittany Lions. Loved it even in 1994, when the Big Ten fuddy-duddies, jealous of the newbie Nits’ instant success, refused to back Penn State in its campaign for a much-deserved national title (notably, the same fuddy-duddies threw their weight behind Michigan three years later; shocking!; or not at all).

Loved the Big Ten then. Love it now. Will love it always.

Yep, that's right, Ivan Maisel and Tony Barnhart and Paul Finebaum and Clay Travis. I said it. And I'll say it again.

I love the Big Ten.

Here’s why.

***

I love the Big Ten because it’s old. Really old.

See, every one of the schools in the Big Ten has been playing football since the freaking 19th century. They started playing together, in league they colloquially called "The Western Conference," in 1896. They've been playing together ever since. The SEC, in case you were wondering, was founded in 1932. So, let's face it, That Lesser League is basically an awkward adolescent in comparison to the stately old Big Ten (and I’m sure I speak for Discerning College Football Fans everywhere when I say I’m looking forward to seeing that awkward adolescent, you know, grow up a little bit).

I love the Big Ten because it’s big. I mean, everything about it is big. The Big Ten has a big name. The Big Ten has a big footprint. The Big Ten has big cities. The Big Ten has big money. The Big Ten has big alumni bases, because, of course, the Big Ten has big schools—mammoth, sprawling, imposing places of higher learning. But pretty places of higher learning, too, (except maybe for Ohio State, which has the feel of a Soviet-era athletic training facility). And of course, the Big Ten has big stadiums—stadiums bigger, in fact, than anything you’ll find in the SEC. Why? Answer: "Because we care more" (#thatwasforyouSEC).

I love the Big Ten because it’s in the Midwest, where people love and appreciate football, but don’t have to go around telling you how much they love and appreciate football. Because, you know, they're not insecure.

I love the Big Ten because Big Ten Country is the only place in Our Great Nation where the weather was made by The Good Lord Himself specifically for the purpose of playing football. I mean, let’s face it: Does it get better than a 65-degree, beautifully sunny October day in Happy Valley? Can it be any more perfect than a slate-grey November showdown—maybe Michigan State-Michigan?—at the Big House? Is there anything more badass than 35 degrees, sleet and early December misery up at Camp Randall? No. No. And No.

I love the Big Ten because it is home to the three greatest uniforms in college football: Ohio State’s home scarlet-and-greys, Michigan’s home maize-and-blues, Penn State’s stoic road whites. May The Good Lord strike me dead should the Wolverines or Nittany Lions ever change their uniforms, folks. And by the way, Ohio State, your “alternate” uniforms make me angry and embittered; stop it already. You’re Ohio State, not Oregon. You're in the Big Ten. Try acting like it.

I love the Big Ten because academics matter. I’ll just leave that one alone, though. Because you know what I’m saying. And anything more I say here will only make Certain People angry.

I love the Big Ten because of the Big Ten Network, which is The Greatest Network Ever (I mean, it's right up there with PBS and the Fox Soccer Channel). Yeah, I’ll admit it, folks: I thought this thing was going to fail. I really did. I didn’t think cable companies would pick the Big Ten Network up. I didn’t think anybody would watch it (except, of course, for people like me). But he were are, a few years after its launch, and the Big Ten Network is kicking ass. It is making a whole bunch of money. It has made The Emperor look like a genius (more on this in just a bit). And, most importantly, it’s really, really fun to watch. Great personalities (Dinardo! Revsine! Griffith!). Great shows ("Big Ten Icons!"). Great insight (again, Dinardo!). And beyond-great coverage. Coverage of everything. I say this in all sincerity, folks: The Big Ten Network has almost—almost—made ESPN expandable. Viva Big Ten Network.

I love the Big Ten because of Ro*Tel. I mean, you’ve got tomatoes and chliles. Together. Right there in the same can, folks. Genius.

I love the Big Ten because of Melanie Collins, "Friday Night Tailgate," and that cool bumper they run where the guy with The Awesomely Midwestern Voice says, “You’re watching … THE BIG TEN NETWORK.” I love the way Dave Revsine yells, "NOW!!!!"

I love the Big Ten because of The Emperor, who plays the role of commissioner the same way Paul Posluszny played the role of linebacker; that is, with ferocity. You can have Mike Slive, SEC fans. Our guy is smarter. And meaner. And he likes Ro*Tel with this chips. Slive eats vegetables.

Oh, speaking of linebackers. Yeah, I love the Big Ten because the Big Ten has linebackers. Always has, always will. Butkus. Cousineau. Conlan. Fitzgerald. Katzenmoyer. Hardy. Spielman. Arrington. Jones. I could go on and on and on and on. But you get the point, right? Big Ten = linebackers. SEC = quarterbacks who go on to have lackluster NFL careers.

I love the Big Ten because of Iowa City and Madison and Bloomington and Ann Arbor. I love the Big Ten because of Mount Nittany and Lake Monona. I love the Big Ten because of "Breaking Away." I love the Big Ten because of "Jump Around."

I love the Big Ten because no conference loves a trophy game more than the Big Ten loves a trophy game. The Little Brown Jug. The Old Oaken Bucket. The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk (or whatever they call it now). The Slab of Bacon (and its successor, Paul Bunyon's Axe). The Old Brass Spittoon. And, of course, Floyd of Rosedale. Yeah, that's right: We have a trophy up here called the "Floyd of Rosedale." It’s a bronzed pig. A bronzed pig. Holy hell we are awesome.

I love the Big Ten because of Fielding Yost, Woody Hayes, Bo Schembechler, Hayden Fry, George Perles, Barry Alvarez, Pat Fitzgerald, Jim Tressel, Kirk Ferentz and Joe Paterno.

I love the Big Ten because of Nile Kinnick, Bronco Nagurski, Red Grange, Rex Kern, Bubba Smith, Desmond Howard, Keith Byers, Cris Carter, Ricky Foggie, Bobby Engram, Desmond Howard, Charles Woodson, Eddie George, Drew Brees, Tom Brady, Kerry Collins, Curtis Enis, Ron Dayne and Mike Hart. And LaVar (No Last Name Necessary).

I love the Big Ten for all the above reasons, and too many more to list here, because there is only so much space on the Internet, and y’all only have so much time on your hands.

So I'll just wrap this up. Like this.

Yeah, I love the Big Ten. I know my fellow Big Ten people love it, too.

And justifiably so.

Because you know what? No matter what anyone else says—no matter how many times we’re told that we’re not good enough, or that we’re not fast enough, or that we’re not fashionable enough—the facts the remain as follows.

We were here first.

We are still better.

We’re the Big Ten.

And we don’t care what you think.

out and about: news and notes you may have missed

• The most intriguing game of this, the opening week of Big Ten Football 2010, is not Penn State-Iowa (a guaranteed Iowa win; more on this in just a bit). It is not Wisconsin-Sparty (though that one is pretty damn interesting). And it’s not Ohio State-Illinois [crickets …]. Not, the most intriguing game of the weekend is … Michigan-Indiana. Yes, Michigan-Indiana, in which we shall see two of the most awful defenses in Big Ten history display terrible technique, deploy depressingly weak arm tackles, and generally flail around and look like they play in the Big East. I mean, it’s gonna be great. It’s gonna be especially great, of course, to see Indiana’s “defense” (currently ranked 43rd in the nation, though don’t let that fool you; they’ve played Towson, Western Kentucky and Akron) attempt to slow down The Fastest Player In Big Ten History And Best Player In The Nation. Yes, as we all know, folks, Michigan’s remarkable Denard Robinson is putting up numbers mildly reminiscent of, well, nobody, because nobody has put up these kinds of numbers, and Indiana knows for damn sure that they’ve got a real test on their hands. Said Hoosiers defensive line coach George Ricumstrict (great name!), when asked about The Awesomeness That Is Denard: "You throw the tape on, and you kind of start to look for the cape and the 'S' on his chest. … He's a different animal. He's different than anything we've seen or I think anyone in the Big Ten has seen.”

• I must admit, folks, I’ve found it rather humorous how The SEC-Slanted National Media has been trying to convince us that this week’s Alabama-Florida game is actually A Game Of Note. Because, let’s face it. It’s not. I assure you of this much: ‘Bama will not only win, but win easy, as SABAN metaphorically destroys Urban Meyer’s coaching legacy with one of the greatest beatdowns in recent SEC history. I believe, quite frankly, that 'Bama will win by three touchdowns. Why do I believe this? Well, this is why I believe this: Alabama is very good. By contrast, Florida is very not good. Alabama has a poised and experienced quarterback, a Heisman-winning tailback, a Heisman-worthy backup tailback, a mammoth offense line, and one of the best wideouts in the country. By contrast, Florida has John Brantley and no tailback worthy of being fourth-string at 'Bama. Or Mississippi State. Oh, and there's this: The game is at Tuscloosa. I mean this is no contest, folks. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Just ask ‘Bama coaching great Gene Stallings, who was asked this week by the Birmingham News to offer his thoughts on The Most Overblown Game Of 2010. Said Stallings: “Sort of like Arkansas, when it's all said and done, when you have Florida's team and you have Alabama's team, you'll take Alabama's team. The way Alabama can play defense and run the football, they're going to win. I think Alabama's the best football team. I think they'll win by 10 or 12 points." What he meant to say was: 10 or 12 or 21 points. Or maybe 28 or 35.

quick hits: straight and to the point

• There’s more to the recent success of the SEC than just “Southern Speed” (which, by the way, does not exist). There’s also … oversigning. Yes, folks. Oversigning. Don’t know anything about oversigning? Well, read this. Once you do, you'll realize that Our Nation's College Football Teams do not play on a level playing field.

• Michigan State plays Wisconsin this weekend. Both teams are ranked in the Top 25. Both are 4-0. Both look like kinda-sorta contenders in the Big Ten. Both are also very good at one thing: Sparty is good at stopping the run (10th nationally in that category); Wisky is good at, well, running (10th nationally in that category). Something’s gotta give. And for some reason, I actually believe that the Sparty defense won't be the thing to give this time. This is your season, Sparty faithful. You’ve gotta believe!

• Great stat from the Indianapolis Star: Denard Robinson, by his lonesome, is averaging 354.8 yards per game this season. By comparison, the Illinois Fighting Illini, in their entirety, are averaging 359 yards per game. This means two things: 1. Denard Robinson really is awesome. 2. Ron Zook ugh.

• Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz, on Denard Robinson’s performance so far this season: “It’s amazing. Remarkable. The first thought I had was to my early years here, trying to prepare for a guy like Antwaan Randle El, and it appears like this quarterback is off to a same kind of start.” I like how, even when Kirk Ferentz tries to be dramatic, he still comes off sounding like a librarian on Xanax.

• More Ferentz/Librarian On Xanax! Here is the coach/librarian, asked how it feels to be the (big) favorite over Penn State this weekend: “I’m not sure why they’d be considered the underdog. Again, I’m looking at a team that’s won 51 games in five years. They don’t give up points. ... We’ve had tough games with them or we’ve gotten nailed pretty good.  I’m expecting this thing to be a real 60 minute game and hopefully we’ll be in there in the fourth quarter." Yes, coach/librarian, you will be there in the fourth quarter. Up by about 20.

• So as you'll see over in our Picks section, I am not expecting much of a show this week at the Red River Rivalry. Here are some reasons why: Oklahoma, the ugliest 4-0 team in the nation not named Florida, ranks 97th in the nation in total defense. Texas, who just got spanked (at home) by UCLA, ranks 77th nationally in offense. They are generating about 356 yards per game. Yes, that's just two yards more than Denard Robinson.

• This week marked the 19th anniversary of the death of the great Miles Davis, one of the most important musicians of the 20th century. Moment of silence please folks. I have said this before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, but let me assure you: There is no album more perfect that Davis’ transcendent 1959 release Kind of Blue. I don’t care if you've never heard a jazz album in your life. If you bought this album this morning, you would love it by this afternoon. It's as simple as this: Your life is not complete until you own this album. So please, for God’s sake, go buy it. I want you have a complete life.

• Looking for picks? Well, click here.

• Looking for this week’s podcast? Well, click here.

• Looking for more searing insight in college football? Like, for instance, a Heisman Trophy Watch? Well, click here.

• Looking for Your Editor's recent apperance on a Pittsburgh radio station to talk Penn State-Pitt? Well, click here.