The Plan

OK, so here's the plan.

Friday afternoon, 1 p.m.: Leave Beautiful Wissahickon Valley for the town of Tobyhanna, Pa., overlooking Arrowhead Lake, on the western edge of the Pocono Mountains.

Friday afternoon, 3 p.m.: Arrive at Arrowhead Lake. Unload the kids. Say hi to our hosts. “Hi, Baby Keira. Hello, Marisa, and happy birthday. Hello, Brian. Yes, Go Dawgs. May I have a beer?" Have said beer. Etc.

Friday evening/night: General giddiness.

Friday night, 11 p.m.: Go to bed. Dream of Saturday.

Saturday morning, circa 4:45 a.m.: Wake up. It's gameday! Kiss the kids good-bye (without waking them) and say little prayer: “Dear Lord, may Jack and Anna be Nittany Lions. Amen.” Say goodbye to Mrs. Your Editor. She will not say it, but nonetheless wonders: Is it necessary for him to arrive the minute the parking lots open? I answer subconsciously: Yes.

Saturday morning, 5 a.m.: Sip coffee. Put Drive By Truckers' Decoration Day on the CD player. Leave Arrowhead Lake. Head due West. Happy Valley, 160 miles away.

Saturday morning, 5 a.m.-7.a.m.: Counting miles. Singing along with the Truckers. Counting miles.

Saturday morning, 7:15: Arrival! Sweet glory of God, I am here. Pull into parking lot of Penn Stater Hotel, located a short distance from Mecca, aka Beaver Stadium. Look around parking lot for Kris, Nick, Pat.

Saturday morning, 7:31: Though late, the others arrive. Handshakes (no hugs at 7:31 a.m.). Small talk. Enough of that. Off to the stadium!

Saturday morning, 7:50: Waiting in line for parking lot attendants to open gates. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. “I have to pee.”

Saturday morning, 8:01: Twinge of anger. Parking lot attendants, always late. Oh wait--gates open! Nirvana.

Saturday morning, 8:05-8:10: Set up tailgate. Nothing fancy. Just the essentials: Grill. Chairs. Table. Food. Beer. Martinis with blue-cheese stuffed olives. And Slovenian smoked sausage from Hochavar's Market in Maple Heights, Ohio. Turn on Penn State Pregame radio show. Debate: Is there a better broadcasting tandem in radio history than Steve Jones and Jack Ham? Answer: No.

Saturday morning, 8:15: Nick prepares, then pours, vodka martinis with blue-cheese stuffed olives. The drink of Hemingway, Churchill and FDR is also the Drink of Tailgating In the Shadow of Mount Nittany. First sip. Ahh. Wonderful. Look around. To our south, Mount Nittany. To our east, Beaver Stadium. To our west, Joseph Vincent Paterno, drawing up game plans. And perfecting the universe.

Saturday morning, 8:30-11 a.m.: Sit. Eat. Drink. Discuss following topics: "When will Joe retire?"; "The 1994 team got screwed."; "Big Ten officials have a vendetta against us."; "How many wins this year?"; "I have to pee; where’s the port-a-potty?"

Saturday morning, 11:01: Nick threatens to injure me. Transgression? Predicting the Nittany Lions won't go undefeated. He pretends to aim his bottle of Delirium Tremens Belgian ale at my head. At least, I think he's pretending.

Saturday morning, 11:30: Tailgate packed up. Walking to stadium! Beautiful sunny day. Nittany Lions getting ready to play. Good friends. Good times.

Saturday morning, 11:55: The Penn State Marching Blue band strikes up, "The Nittany Lion." Then, “Fight On State.” Then, “Rock And Roll.” Nick, no longer violent, hugs me. Somewhere in the locker room, Joseph Vincent Paterno is creating peace in the Middle East. And preparing his game plan.

Saturday morning, 12 noon: Game time.

One thought: It's been too long.

Out And About: News And Notes You May Have Missed

• I won't lie to you, folks: The Week 1 schedule in college football isn't exactly the Stuff of Legend. In fact, there's only one marquee (whenever I type that word, I think: Rod Tidwell) matchup: the Cal Bears vs. the Tennessee Volunteers, who are still recovering from A Scirrotto-Induced Hangover. Last year, you may remember, the Cal Bears came to Knoxville as a trendy pick for the Mythical National Championship. They left (cliche on the way) with their tails between their legs, after the Vols kicked their arse. This year, the Vols must make the trip to Berkeley, and when they arrive, they will realize how far they've traveled. Not only do people not really care about college football in Northern California, they also do things like hold political protests. Freaks. Yes, it seems as though a group of wacky Cal students have been living in a stand of trees near Cal's Memorial Stadium, as a way of protesting Cal's plan to build a performing arts center and, yes, tear down those trees. Additionally, the protesters, who have been there nearly a year now, are located close enough to Cal's workout facility that the football team and protesters engage in a bit of witty banter. Explained Cal defensive back Thomas DeCoud: "There's some smack talk. You know, we might yell, `Get out of the trees!' And they might sarcastically yell back, `Go football team, go!' Nothing real vicious. It's kind of annoying, having them up there. But what can you do?"

• Nick Saban cannot be trusted. I mean, I want to trust him. I see him on television and seems like an OK guy. But then I think back on Saban's long, weird history in football and remember what he's all about--Nick Saban. Though there was much hubbub about his leaving the Miami Dolphins (snore) for the University of Alabama, I certainly can't blame him for that. Because coaching in the NFL must be worse than watching the NFL, which is about as enjoyable these days as drinking hydroclhorlic acid (aka light beer). But the fact is, Saban cannot stay in one place for more than a few years, because he gets bored, and begins to think: What about Nick Saban?. He went to Michigan State, made the Spartans good, and left. He went to LSU, made them good, and left. He went to the Dolphins, drank hydrochloric acid, and left. Now he's at one of college football's greatest programs, at the University of Alabama, home of the Bear, and those good folks in Tide country really want to believe that Saban is there to stay. They believe so badly that 92,000 of them showed up for the 'Bama spring game. 92,000! USC couldn't draw that many fans if they played the Patriots (snore). Saban also recently graced the cover of Sports Illustrated. All year, the talk down in Tuscaloosa has been Saban, Saban, Saban. But you know who hasn't been talked about? The players. Asked this week about the team's Saban-centric summer, cornerback Simeon Castille said: "At the beginning of the summer, I was like 'Man, this is never going to get here. It seems like it took a long time to get to this point." By the way, for all his faults, Saban is a hell of a coach. The Tide wins 9 games this year.

• As good as Michigan's offense could be--and, in Your Editor's opinion, will be--this year, it was awful close to being just very average. The return of two major pillars in Michigan's stellar four-pillared attack this year--quarterback Chad Henne and tailback Mike Hart--hinged on the decision of another of these pillars: Offensive tackle Jake Long. Both Henne and Hart thought long and hard about leaving Michigan for the NFL last season. But when Long, who likely would have been a Top 10 pick, decided to return (and kudos to you, Jake, for making that call), Henne and Hart did, too. As a result, Michigan is going to field, probably, the best offense the Big Ten has seen since the '94 Penn State team posted 47 points per game. With this group in tact, Henne, Hart and Long have made it a mission to finally "finish" a season, something they haven't been able to do in their careers at Michigan. They've never beaten Ohio State, and they've faltered in their bowl games. Said Hart: "It's known I haven't won a bowl game. I haven't beaten Ohio State. And I know that myself. It's something I want to do and I hope to do. We all wanted to come back and beat those guys. You can't leave Michigan without beating Ohio State, and Michigan hasn't won a bowl game in a long time." The Wolverines will beat Ohio State this year. But they won't get over that bowl-game hump.

Quick Hits: Straight and to the Point

• Did You Know: Last season, the Florida State Seminoles finished out fo the Top 25 for the first time in 20 years? Remarkable. Bobby Bowden, however, says he has no plans on remaining average. Said the Good Old Man: "It ain't fair for me to stay here and put out mediocre football teams. I'm determined to get back to the top." Where have I heard this before?

• Though he doesn't make Your Editor's list of the Top 10 All-Time Greatest People, Beano Cook is right on the cusp (and is, by the way, a TCFA Hall of Famer). The man is absolutely indespensible. He may seem like a drunken old fool, a grumpy old man, a crazed Yinzer, but, really, he's not. In fact, I tell you this: Beano knows more about college football than any other person on this earth. Plus he's funny as hell. As evidence, I offer the following two quotes, from just this week, as Beano was interviewed by ESPN's great college football writer, Ivan Maisel (and Maisel really is great; one of the very few "national" writers worth reading).

a) Beano Cook on the SEC: "Let me tell you about the Southeastern Conference. [dramatic pause] The Southeastern Conference is the Balkans. It is the Balkans of college football."

b) Beano Cook on Michigan: "The last few years, Michigan has been Germany. They find a way to lose the big ones."

• You know how some colleges coaches have the unique ability to make any opponent, no matter how bad, seem like the 1944 Army Cadets? I think Joe Paterno invented this ploy, and he's damn good at it. Honest to God, even though I know I shouldn't, I believe it whenever Joe tells me the upcoming opponent is too good to be defeated. He did it to me again this week, talking about Penn State's season-opening opponent, Florida International. This went on for minutes. Here is what Joe said: "I am as nervous as I've probably have even been for a first game. They're in the middle of an area where they can recruit a lot of kids with tremendous athletic skills. I don't know very much about the university. I've tried to do all of the research that we could possibly do on what the new coach might want to do with his football team. I haven't got the slightest idea what they're going to do offensively or what they're going to do defensively. Are we going to be ready? I don't know. I hope we're ready to handle all of the things we may get, because I'm not sure what we're going to get. Obviously, they have an advantage over us. They can look at tapes of us and they can look at personnel. They can look at strategies and things like schemes. So they'll come up here just a little bit maybe better prepared then we're going to be for their program. That's the way it goes. We'll see what happens."

• Speaking of Saint Joe, you may remember that the Great Old Man last year suffered a major knee injury when he was run over by tight end Andrew Quarless during Penn State's game against Wisconsin. The knee injury required surgery and kept Joe in the press box for the Nittany Lions last few games. There had been some speculation as to whether Paterno would ever return to the sidelines, so it was well within a reporter's right this week to ask Paterno if he planned to lead the Nittany Lions onto the field for the opener against mighty Florida International. Joe's response? "No. I’m going to drop from a parachute."

• Michigan quarterback Chad Henne, on the possibility that coach Lloyd "Grumpy" Carr will retire after this season: "It's tough. We always play as hard as we can, not only for ourselves but for our coaches and, of course, for the fans and the university. But, there would be no better feeling, if this was his last year, and we won the Big Ten and we won the national championship. That would (send) him off the right way."

• Finally ... in a shocking display of insurgency in the State of Ohio, an Ohio State beat reporter actually challenged the primacy of Buckeyes coach / Lord of Ohio Jim Tressel this week. During Tressel's weekly press conference, this rebellious reporter informed Lord Tressel that Michigan had lowered ticket prices for its season-opening game against Division I-AA Appalachian State (because, of course, it's somewhat galling to charge fans the same price for Appalachian State that you would for Ohio State, Notre Dame, Penn State, etc.). As Tressel's Swedish Guard closed in, axes raised, the reporter then asked Lord Tressel if he thought that, given Michigan's fan-friendly discount, it was fair that Ohio State was charging full price for its game against Division I-AA Youngstown State. At this point, Tressel levitated and said: "Do I think it's fair? Yeah, I think it's fair. I've been to a couple concerts and things like that, and our tickets are very reasonable. I was out in Vegas to speak at a Nike clinic, and my wife Ellen and I went to see 'Celine-o' Dion, or whatever, and it was like $200. You can go to three Ohio State games for that. And I knew the words to all the songs. At least when you go to a game you don't know what's going to happen." Is it any wonder this man is a successful college football coach?