Thoughts From The Valley: Apocalypse Now

The Hangover

HOW I AM FEELING: Resigned. Resigned to a horrible season. Resigned to the string of humiliating defeats that are certain to come (though, I have to wonder, does it get any more humiliating than a 20-point Homecoming loss ... to freaking Ron Zook?). Resigned to the fact that the Penn State football program may be headed straight into The Dark Years, Part II. Otherwise, I'm feeling just peachy. Onward.

WHAT I AM DRINKING: The Ales of the Revolution variety case, from Philadelphia's own Yards Brewing Company. Included in this (highly recommended) case o' beer is Poor Richard's Tavern Spruce (good), Thomas Jefferson's Tavern Ale (very good) and George Washington's Tavern Porter (outstanding). And yeah, I'm drinking all of them, because Penn State just suffered a 20-point Homecoming loss ... to freaking Ron Zook.

WHAT I AM LISTENING TO: The Clash, London Calling. Kinda in the mood for apocalyptic music. This fits the bill. "The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in /  Engines stop running, the wheat is growing thin / A nuclear error, but I have no fear / Cause London is drowning / and I ... live by the river."

VILLA UPDATE: Not much to report this week from the Villa, as the soccer world is currently on "international break." Oh, but there is this: In last week's podcast, Co-Host Mike publicly stated that should anyone out there pony up $10 toward My Standing Soccer-Related Offer—for a $20 donation, I will stop writing about soccer forever—he will pony up the remaining $10. Just throwing that out there, folks.

MY THOUGHTS ON THE WEEKEND

Well, it certainly could not be said that I didn't see this coming.

Heck, I opened the season with a column detailing my efforts to prepare myself for A Deeply Disappointing Season. But see, when I wrote that piece, my definition of "A Deeply Disappointing Season" was 8-4. Maybe 7-5.

I wasn't thinking 6-6. And I certainly wasn't thinking 3-9.

But now, to be honest, 6-6 looks like a reach. And 3-9 is a real possibility.

My Beloved Penn State Nittany Lions currently boast a deceivingly average record of 3-3. Deceiving, that is, because I don't really think "3-3" bespeaks to just how awful this team really is—and how little it's actually accomplished. The reality is that the Nits have been absolutely annhiliated by the only three good teams they've played: Bama crushed them. Iowa crushed them. And now—stunningly—Illinois has crushed them, too.

The three wins? They came against Youngstown State, Kent State and Temple. Hardly impressive. And let us remember, the Temple game was a struggle; only a second-half rally saved Penn State from a loss in that one.

In other words, this team has shown us nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Which means the question that should be asked now is not whether Joe Paterno will get his 400th win this season (he currently sits at 397), but whether Joe Paterno will get his 398th win this season.

Yeah, I'm serious, folks.

I really believe this team could go winless in the Big Ten.

They shouldn't go winless in the Big Ten. But they might.

Here's the remaining schedule: at Minnesota, vs. Michigan, vs. Northwestern, at Ohio State, at Indiana and vs. Michigan State.

The following three games, in My Not-So-Humble Opinion, are almost guaranteed losses: at Ohio State, vs. Michigan (yeah, I know the defense sucks, but can you imagine what Denard Robinson is going to do against those slower-than-sloths Penn State linebackers?) and vs. Michigan State.

The following two games are toss-ups: vs. Northwestern (the Wildcats will dink-and-dunk the Nits to death) and at Indiana (enough offense to force Penn State to actually score points, which is an ongoing struggle).

Which leaves the Minnesota game as the only "probable win" left on the schedule. But this is a road game, and this is a noon start, and we all know how awful Penn State is with the road noon starts. The Nits should beat the Gophers, who have problems pretty much everywhere. But they're certainly not guaranteed to beat them.

The fact is, there probably aren't more than 20 or so programs out of the entire 120-team FBS that the Nits would be "guranteed" to beat this season.

Because, yeah, this team is that bad.

And, yeah, this season has been that bad.

And yeah, it's only going to get worse.

THREE YARDS AND A CLOUD OF DUST

THREE: This is an official statement from TCFA Headquarters: Bret Bielema is a dirtbag, and shall henceforth and therefore be known here only as The Dirtbag. Here's why: After his Badgers scored a late touchdown to take a 41-16 lead over Minnesota on Saturday, The Dirtbag went for two—even though there were only six minutes remaining. Yes, that's right, he went for two. With six minutes to go. Up 41-16. He didn't get the two, ultimately, but he went for them, and Minnesota coach Tim Brewster was (rightfully) not very happy about it. Brewster berated The Dirtbag during their post-game "handshake" and also complained about the (classless) move to reporters afterward. Said Brewster: "I was very upset and I made sure he knew it. I thought it was wrong. There was no excuse for it, period." Brewster is right, of course, but as you might imagine, The Dirtbag did have an excuse: He went for two, he says, because his "two-point conversion card"—a handy little chart that tells coaches when they should or shouldn't go for two—told him that, mathematically speaking, going for two was the right call. Yes, folks, The Dirtbag allows a piece of paper to make decisions for him. So not only is The Dirtbag a dirtbag. Apparently, he's a complete and utter moron, too.

TWO: So last Friday, over on my other site, I made two rather over-the-top and provocative predictions. They were as follows: 1. Indiana, led by that high-flying offense, would throw a serious scare into Ohio State. 2. South Carolina had absolutely zero chance to beat Alabama. My rather over-the-top and provocative predictions did not exactly turn out well. Because, you see, Indiana fell behind 31-0 in the first half and ended up limping out of Columbus with a 38-10 loss. And South Carolina? Well, they did Alabama. They beat them by two touchdowns, actually. Said The Newly Revived Ole Ball Coach: "We played some ball today. We didn't get a bunch of fumble returns or blocked punts. We didn't do any of that. We played till the end and looked up—and we had beaten No. 1 by a couple of touchdowns." The lesson here, folks? There are two, actually: 1. Never pick Indiana on the road at The Horseshoe. 2. Never doubt the Ole Ball Coach.

ONE: The one college football moment that brought me legitimate joy on Saturday? The moment when Stanford kicker Nate Whitaker split the uprights as time expired to give Stanford and Next Penn State Head Coach (I Hope) Jim Harbaugh a 37-35 win over USC (ha ha) in Palo Alto. Watching USC lose is so much fun, folks. Watching USC lose when they're coached by The Worst Coach Ever Not Named Bret Bielema is even more fun. Said Trojans quarterback Matt Barkley afterward: "We are at the lowest of lows." That makes me so happy.

TOUCHDOWN: If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: David Jones of the Harrisburg Patriot is the best writer on the Penn State beat today. He's perceptive. He's smart. He can write. And when it's warranted, he's not afraid to publish searing, honest, borderline nasty (but never unfair) criticism of the program he's spent the last couple of decades covering. Jones (cliche on the way) "calls 'em how he sees 'em," and this week, well, Jones sees ... a looming disaster. In an absolute hammer-blow of a column published on Sunday (a must-read, folks), Jones described Penn State as (prepare yourselves, Nits fans) a "bloated and decaying program, rotting from its core." He also hinted that the program may be on the cusp of an historic downturn. I think he may be overstating things. But only slightly.

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