Oct 13, 2010

This is a column for fans out there who share the same fate as I.

This is a column for Tar Heels fans and Nittany Lions fans. Panthers fans and Longhorns fans. Trojans fans (well, not really, because you and I, well, we ain’t cool) and Gators fans.

This is a column for all of you out there who have come to the realization, halfway into college football 2010, that your team pretty much sucks.

Just like mine.

This is a column, you see, about dealing with that suckiness. About dealing with a college football season bereft of greater meaning for your team, your program, your alma mater. About dealing with a season without glory. About dealing with a season in which you know for damn sure that your team does not matter in The Big Picture.

This is a column, in other words, about bad seasons.

And how to make the most of them.

***

We’ll start with this basic little premise: College football season is going to keep moving along, with or without you, whether you like it or not.

I mean, I assure you, the folks over at the NCAA offices are not going to stop the 2010 season just because you, a Florida/Texas/Penn State/USC fan, are not happy with the results. The results are what they are. The results will be what they will be.

So you might as well enjoy the ride.

That is, enjoy it as much as possible.

Because, believe me, I understand. I understand you’re depressed about the state of your program. I understand you think you deserve better, even though you don’t (hello, Florida fans). I understand that watching those 3:30 p.m. and 7 p.m. and 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. (yeah, WAC!) games isn’t nearly as fun when your team already lost at noon. On ESPN U.

And, no, I don’t expect you to enjoy a season in which your team is embarrassing/awful/self-destructive nearly as much you would enjoy a season in which your team is on its way toward accomplishing something big. Like, for instance, The Rose Bowl.

But here’s the thing, depressed fans of the college football world: The 2010 college football season is half over. Half over! Yes, that’s right. It’s half-over.

Which means we are mere weeks away from having nothing to watch on Saturdays except for the NFL (snore), or the NBA (worse) or the Barclay’s English Premier League ([listening for your audible sighs]; not so bad, actually). We are mere weeks away, in other words, of being right back to where we were just a few months back: Right back to Reality Without College Football.

Which is, of course, the worst kind of reality of all.

So, yeah, the clock is ticking.

The weeks are running out on us.

The tailgates are getting colder (at least, they’re getting colder up here in the North, where we actually play in Real Football Weather).

The games are getting more meaningful.

The days are growing shorter.

And we are getting closer and closer and closer—all too close, really—to The End Of The Season[flash-forward to misery, depression and the kind of sadness that cannot be made to go away without medical intervention].

Yes, it’s true, folks. Like night coming to seize the day, like death coming to seize the living, Non-College Football Season is coming to seize College Football Season.

There is nothing we can do about it.

The Sadness is coming.

So the question, of course, what you’re going to do with the precious time you have left.

****

Well, here’s what you’re going to do with the precious time you have left: You are going to seize it.

You are going to celebrate it for all of its hey-it’s-right-here-right-now-let's-live-it-up glory.

You are going to live this college football season to the maximum, despite Your Team’s Awfulness, because you are a college football fan—not just a Tar Heel fan or Panther fan or Nittany Lion fan or Trojan fan—and as a college football fan, it is your obligation to live the hell out of each and every Saturday.

Yes, it is your obligation.

It is your obligation to wake up at an ungodly hour and drink well-made craft beers and/or martinis with blue-cheese and/or jalapeno-stuffed olives in a parking lot for no good reason except that, oh yes, it is a college football Saturday.

It is your obligation to spend these gloriously beautiful Autumn Saturdays—temperatures in the mid-60s, leaves a brilliant menagerie of orange and red and yellow (--->)—holed up in your basement/den/tavern of choice for roughly 12 hours at a stretch, barely stepping outside at all. And not be depressed and/or embarrassed about it.

It is your obligation to play your school’s marching band CD at volumes loud enough for your neighbors to hear and potentially be annoyed by.

It is your obligation to fly your school flag out front. And out back.

It is your obligation to prepare elaborate spreads of football-appropriate foods for consumption at your tailgate. Or with your family and friends during your (college) football party. Or, you know, just by yourself, in your dark basement, while the world goes flying by outside, and the footballs go flying by across your television screen.

It is your obligation to root like hell for your team, to yell inappropriate things at the television, to make baseless allegations against and about your coaching staff, to swear your team off forever—and then be back on the bandwagon by Monday.

It is your obligation to commiserate with your fellow fans. It is your obligation to wallow in your sadness together. It is your obligation to complain together.

It is your obligation, too, to defend your terrible team against the spurious remarks lobbed your way by fans from rival schools. It is your obligation at these times to pretend that, not just five minues earlier, you were ripping your team to shreds, too.

It is your obligation, you see, to man up (or, as the case may be, woman up) and enjoy The Wider College Football World–even though Your College Football World lay in smoldering, ash-covered ruins.

It is your obligation, in other words, to love this college football season. Love it not for what it isn't. Love it not for what it could be. But rather, love it for exactly what it is.

Because I’ve got news for you: This college football season is almost over—and it’s never coming back.

Yes, my friends, there is still joy out there. Granted, it is not our joy this year—it is Nebraska's joy, and Boise's joy, and Ohio State's joy (rrrr ...), and Sparty's joy—but it is college football joy nonetheless.

There are still upsets.

There are still rivalries.

There is still transcendence.

There are still moments.

And no, those moments will not be your moments this season. They will not be my moments, either.

But they are moments nonetheless. College football moments.

Thus, they should be treasured.

So let us treasure them, shall we? And we'll save the whining for another time.

Such as February. When we'll really have something to whine about.

Out And About: news and notes you may have missed

• There are a few things that are certain to bring a smile to Your Editor’s face: the laughter of my children; a crisp, cool, sunny Autumn Saturday in Happy Valley; the taste of well-made/potent craft beer poured by a knowledgeable bartender in welcoming tavern-ish environs; and, of course, former Miami Hurricanes players/thugs lamenting the sad, generally dysfunctional state of their once-successful but never all-that-proud program. So, yes, folks, Your Editor had a smile on his face this week when he read about the all the turmoil at “The U.” these days—turmoil brought on by the ‘Canes humbling 45-17 defeat last week at the hands of the good-but-not-great Florida State Seminoles. In the wake of that disaster, several former ‘Canes have crawled out of the woodwork to complain that today’s ‘Canes players (and, of course, coaches) aren’t doing their part to hold up the (dicey) Miami tradition. To wit: Somebody By The Name Of Leon Searcy complained that the current Miami team is disrespecting “the guys who back in the day that got the University of Miami the reputation for whooping ass every Saturday.” Melvin Bratton, a member of the 1986 team that got their butts kicked by A Program With Class (see photo), said Miami is in a “state of emergency.” And then there is Michael Irvin, the enduringly sad and generally embarrassing symbol of Miami football, who told his radio audience this week that his program could use “one or two more thugs.” Oh, Miami. Go away. More on this later.

• For years and years now, the Navy Midshipmen have served as The Official Military Academy of TCFA. And, no, Annapolitans and Midshipmen, you need not worry about ever losing that title. In fact, you will hold it For All Of Eternity, mostly because Your Editor loves The City Of Annapolis (my former hometown), and kinda wishes maybe I had just stayed there. So, yeah, I like Navy. That being said, we here at TCFA have acquired a certain fondness for the Army Black Knights, who under coach Rich Ellerson are achieving the kind of Completely Unexpected Turnaround that Navy enjoyed, post-Charlie Weatherbie, under the guidance and general genius of one Coach “John” Paul Johnson. If you hadn’t noticed, folks, coach Ellerson has thus far coached the Black Knights to a 4-2 record. And this week? Well, this week, they have a chance to make a real statement; they travel to the college football graveyard known as the Meadowlands (snore) to take on Rutgers (snore) and coach Greg Schiano (snore), who has accomplished nothing. Schiano (snore) and his players are saying all the right things about this matchup, but the reality is, they’re not taking Army seriously enough. Which is why The East Coast’s Sorry Excuse For A College Football Team is officially on upset alert. Said The Completely Overrated Schiano: “We know we're up against it. We know we're playing a very good football team but we're going to do everything in our power to be prepared and then go out and play the best we can play." Rutgers, you are awful.

Quick Hits: straight and to the point

• More hilarity from “The U” (and we can we please now admit, ‘Canes fans, that the whole “U” thing really is terribly and embarrassingly lame?): Our friend Melvin Bratton, who attended last week’s beatdown at the hands of Florida State, said he was he not worried at halftime, even though his ‘Canes trailed at that point, 24-7. Why wasn't Melvin worried? Explained Melvin: "I said, ‘this [expletive] ain't over. This is The U. It's 0-0. We're never out of it." That is both funny and sad.

• Generally Problematic Michigan Defensive Stats Of The Week: The Wolverines, as we all know, are terrible on defense. Their opponents this week, the Iowa Hawkeyes, are not. Problem. How much of a problem? Well, this much of a problem: Michigan is currently ranked 112th nationally in total defense, 119th in pass defense, 75th in total defense and 55th in rush defense (presumably, this is because nobody ever runs the ball on them; I mean, why would they?) Iowa, meanwhile, is ranked No. 1 nationally in scoring defense, No. 2 in rush defense and No. 4 total defense. Significant problem.

• QUOTABLE: Penn State Coach And Generally Great Man Despite His Recent Coaching Failures Joe Paterno, on his coaching performance last weekend against Illinois: "I don't think I did a very good job of coaching or getting ready for the game, to be frank with you.” We all agree, Joe.

• QUOTABLE: Pitt Coach And Generally Good Guy Despite His Ongoing Coaching Failures Dave Wannstedt, on why he hasn’t told his team to (cliché on the way) “wipe the slate clean” (the Panthers are 2-3) as they prepare for Big East play. Said The Stache: “I've done it before where you put a drape up over the first half of the season. I've done all of that stuff. But we … can't forget what cost us from winning the Notre Dame game and pretend like it didn't happen.” Honesty. I like it.

• The Nevada Wolfpack are ranked for the first time in a half-century, and coach Chris Ault—the man who invented ‘the pistol offense’ (essentially, a smarter, more effective 'shotgun'—is a big reason why. Programs all over the nation are adopting his unique offensive set (mostly, because it works). But have you ever wondered why he called it ‘The Pistol,’ folks? Well, wonder no more. As Ault explained to the New York Times this week: “A pistol fires straight ahead; it’s one bullet straight ahead. We still want to run the ball north-south.” Simplicity. I like it. TCFA officially likes Chris Ault.

• Wondering why Colorado wanted so badly to move the Pac-10 rather than remain the Big-In-Name-Only Big 12? Wonder no longer. According to a story this week from USA Today, there about 11,000 Colorado alumni living in the Big 12 footprint. There are 35,000 living in the Pac-10 footprint. Said former Buffs coach Bill McCartney: "When it came up at first, I was for keeping the conference we had. But the more I thought about it, and the more I read about where our alumni base is, that's really what changed my mind."

• As longtime readers of this site know, I have an unabashed man crush on former Indians/Phillies ace Cliff Lee, who is the greatest athlete in American history not named Arrington or Enis. Or Donovan. Need proof? Well, here's proof: Tuesday night, Lee struck out 11 batters (and walked none) to lead the freaking Texas Rangers (!) to their first postseason series win ever. Yes! The Rangers! As explained Sports Illustrated baseball writer (and Penn State alum) Tom Verducci: “There have been 152 pitchers who took the ball in an LDS Game 5, LCS Game 7 or World Series Game 7. Lee is the first one to strike out 11 batters–and he did so with no walks. He broke the record of 10 punchouts in ultimate series games shared by Hal Newhouser, Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson and Roger Clemens. Lee now has started seven postseason games, and his team has won every one of them. In those starts, Lee is 6-0 with a 1.44 ERA." The lesson here? Simple: The Dolan family, owners of the Indians, destroyed baseball in Cleveland forever by trading Lee away. Thanks Dolan family. I look forward to seeing the Indians move to Memphis or Charlotte or Mexico City or London because of the poor attendance brought on by your disastrous ownership tenure.

• More bad news for the Cleveland Indians, aka Warriors of the Lakefront: Their best player, Shin Soo-Choo, told a South Korean newspaper this week that he wants “to trasnfer a team which wins more.” That’s what we all want, Shin-Soo Choo. But some of us end up playing for the Indians.

• Looking for picks? Well, click here.

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• If you've wondered why Your Editor loves the songwrinting of one Ryan Adams, well, watch, listen and read this.