Big Mess

I have, thus far, held my tongue regarding the Big Ten Network mess.

But no more.

Today, I lay to waste the people responsible for robbing Big Ten football fans of their God-given, Midwestern birthright: College football on Saturday afternoons.

I’ll start with the Big Ten bigwigs, notably Jim Delaney, the Big Ten’s certifiably insane (though apparently business-smart, until now) commissioner, and Mark Silverman, president of the Big Ten Network (and Michigan grad).

Jim and Mark, you screwed up. You screwed up bad.

I don’t work in the cable industry. I am not Wall Street analyst. But you know what? Even I know there was no freaking way in hell that Comcast and Time Warner Cable were ever going to pay $1.10 per subscriber to put the Big Ten Network on basic cable.

Not when those same companies won’t even pick up the NFL Network. Now, I have no interest in the NFL. Because it sucks. But a lot of other people do. So in theory, that channel is a lot more attractive to evil cable company bigwigs than the Big Ten Network.

So what in the world made you think they would jump at the chance to pick up your channel? They don’t know a goddamned thing about college football—they think it’s somehow less than the NFL (snore).

OK, could you swing $1.10 in, say, Columbus, Ohio, where Ohio State football is society’s single-most organizing principle? Yes. But Philadelphia? Gentleman, I live in Philadelphia. Despite what your ads say, this is not Big Ten Country. People here care about things like “the Eagles” and “Big 5 basketball.” They don’t care about Purdue. They don’t know Purdue exists. I promise you.

So, here’s my suggestion: Lower the price.

Lower it to, say, 30 cents per subscriber. You’ll get your viewers. You’ll get basic cable. Then, in five years, when you start showing all of the Big Ten games on your little money-making gambit (and yes, we assume this has been your plan all along; don’t think we’re dummies), you can be sure you can ask for a better deal. In the meantime, do the right thing—give us our football.

We cool? OK, great.

Now, let us turn to America’s cable companies. You know, the guys who make Halliburton and La Costra Nostra seem as cuddly as Santa Claus.

Ah, cable companies. Hi. For years, you have jacked up rates, offered horrible customer service and forced us poor viewers to pay for channels—that crazy Christian network, the 45 home shopping networks, Fox News—that we don’t want. You resist the most common-sense idea for your industry (i.e., a la carte cable). And when a new network comes along that we actually might want, what do you do? You screw us over and try to blame the other guy.

Well, here’s what I think, fellas: Your argument against picking up the Big Ten Network—the argument that “customers who don’t want the channel shouldn’t have to pay for it”—is, well, the single worst argument ever offered, in any argument, in the history of the entire universe.

Why? Let me explain: It’s utterly hypocritical.

For example, do I want the goddamned Golf Channel? No. Does Comcast offer the Golf Channel on expanded basic cable? Yes. So do customers who get expanded basic cable pay for the Golf Channel? Yes.

But why? Oh, that’s right. Because Comcast owns the Golf Channel. Ditto that random channel called Versus. Ditto the Comcast SportsNet channels, which show horrible programming like “Golf Shots” and Phillies baseball. So thanks for that.

Anyway, cable company guys, here’s my suggestion: Either cut the crap and give us a la carte cable or pick up the goddamned Big Ten Network and let us watch what we want.

Otherwise, you’re going to have a lot of angry Buckeyes, Wolverines, Nittany Lions, Badgers, Spartans, etc. on your hands.

And we don’t play nice.

Out And About: News And Notes You May Have Missed

• So much for Notre Dame's quarterback controversy: After exactly one week of a Charlie Weis’ “genius” three-headed quarterback plan, the $30 million man has now named true freshman Jimmy Clausen his starting quarterback, effective Saturday against the hallowed Penn State Nittany Lions. ''He's ready to run the offense,'' Weis said this week, using his laser vision to remind the press that he used to coach for the Patriots (snore). ''If I didn't think he was ready, I wouldn't do this.'' Or maybe, as has been suggested elsewhere, Weis simply knows that his other quarterbacks—Evan Sharpley and Demetrius Jones—just aren’t good enough to win. Regardless of the reasons for this move, it’s clear Clausen will face a monumental task in his first start: On the road, at night, at Beaver Stadium (The Greatest Show In College Sports, according to Sports Illustrated), where Penn State is planning the first-ever full-stadium White Out. The stadium will be loud. Obnoxiously so. But that’s only half of Clausen’s problems. Along with a drunken, rude crowd, he’ll also be facing some of the best linebackers (see below) and defensive backs in the entire nation. So, yeah, it’s a tall order. But Clausen is no slouch—everyone from Head Ball Coach to Pete “Satan’ Carrroll tried to sign the kid up out of high school—and Nittany Lions coach Joseph Vincent Paterno knows his defense can’t take the youngster lightly. Said The Great Man: ''I watched a tape of him in high school. He's got tremendous talent. He's got a great release and a presence. He's the real thing.'' And honestly, folks, he really is. But how will he do when he can’t hear anything but 111,000 nutjobs at Happy Valley? We shall see.

• So much attention was paid last year to Penn State linebacker Poz (no actual name necessary), who became the all-time leading tackler at The One And True Linebacker U., that the exploits of his fellow linebackers, Dan Connor and Sean Lee, were mostly overlooked. That figures to change this season, as Connor and Lee now comprise the best linebacker duo in the Big Ten (sorry Buckeye fans—Laurinitis is a one-man show for now). Connor has some name recognition, the result of his super-recruit status coming out of high school and the fact that he was a Bednarik Award finalist last season. Still, few people outside of the Great Commonwealth realize that Connor, with 279 career tackles, will most likely break the Penn State all-time tackles record (372) that Posluszny broke just last year. As for Lee, well, he flies completely under the radar. This, despite the fact that he ranked in the Top 7 in tackles in the Big Ten last season. Certainly, he got the 2007 campaign off to a great start: He earned Big Ten Defensive Player of the Week honors for his performance in his team’s 59-0 win over Florida International, racking up seven tackles, one sack and a forced fumble in less than three quarters of play. Then there's the mysterious Navorro "Lavarro" Bowman, a redshirt freshman who, in limited time, recorded a blocked punt, forced fumble and fumble recovery against FIU (which led The Great Jack Ham to opine: “Joe can’t possibly keep this kid off the field.”). Asked about the Penn State linebacking crew, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis said: "Penn State has been always known as Linebacker U. This year is no exception."

• I have been remiss thus far in not yet checking in on the Indiana Hoosiers, who have the tough task of playing the 2007 season in the wake of the death of their former coach, Terry Hoeppner, a great man and a Hoosier to the core. Well, as I’m sure Hep has noticed, the Hoosiers are off to a good start. Led now by former Ball State coach Bill Lynch, the Hoosiers crushed Indiana State 55-7 in their opener. But now, the Hoosiers--who, at least offensively, are actually pretty good--face their first real test of the year: A road trip to Kalamazoo, Michigan (and what could be finer than a road trip to Kalamazoo, Michigan?) to take on the Western Michigan Broncos. The Broncs are coming off a tough season-opening loss to West Virginia (they gave up 62 points), but remain one of the favorites to win the MAC (based in Cleveland!) this year. Lynch knows this, and he also knows his players were offended by WMU coach Bill Cubit's comments after last year's Indiana win (Cubit told the press that WMU lost to a "beatable" team), which is probably why he publicly has been making the atmosphere at Waldo Stadium (insert "Where's Waldo" joke here) to be, essentially, greater central Michigan's version of Happy Valley or Kyle Field. Said Lynch: "We know that, to go to Western Michigan, they have had this one circled for a long time. It's going to be a hornets nest." Classic.

Quick Hits:
Straight And To The Point

• Quotable: Big Ten Network president Mark Silverman, when asked whether angry fans were calling his office, upset that games they previously were able to watch for free were are now unavailable, due to the “launch” (if you could call it that) of the Big Ten Network: "Some people are angry with the network, some are angry with cable providers, some are angry with both. I completely understand their frustration and we're trying to get a deal done. ... They're frustrated now, I know. I don't blame them." Mark Silverman officially sucks.

• Speaking of the Big Ten Network … Michigan and Michigan State fans should be aware that the Nov. 3 game between UM and MSU—you know, that little in-state rivalry game that is more important to Michiganders than everything except automobiles—will most likely be available only on Big Ten Network. Can you imagine the riots in, like, Flint if there’s no deal in place with Michigan cable companies by then? Wow. Thanks, Mark Silverman.

• Weekly Proof That Beano Cook Is A Genius. Beano appeared on ESPN this week to debate the endless (but obvious) question: Which is better—college football or pro football (snore)? Beano’s response: “The one thing I can’t understand is why America has more interest in pro football than college football.”

• Beano on NFL vs. College, Part II: “You can have all the cheerleaders in the NFL. Give me the USC Song Girls.”

• Beano on the NFL vs. College, Part III: “You would like college football more than pro football if you had a higher IQ.”

• Quotable: Nittany Lions linebacker Sean Lee, on whether his teammates are seeking "revenge" for the 41-17 ass-kicking they got from Notre Dame last year: "It's a new year, two different teams, different situations. I don't see it as payback. But we defensively have it in the back of our minds that they beat us up last year." Dear Jimmy Clausen, beware Sean Lee.

• Quotable: Former Notre Dame quarterback and tremendously annoying, condescending, boring NFL (snore) analyst Joe Theisman, on Charlie Weis’ decision to start Jimmy Clausen, on the road, at Penn State: ''Charlie is not one to coddle his quarterbacks. He's not looking to ease Jimmy into this situation. He's sticking him right out there right now. Charlie really likes the way this young man plays.'' Joe Theisman is worse than anything. Ever.

• Quotable: Weis, on how he felt while watching the game film of Notre Dame’s 33-3 loss to Georgia Tech last week: “I wanted to vomit.” I must say, I admire Weis’ candor. He is as almost as Great And Powerful as the Head Ball Coach.

• Now, for this week’s I Am Lying To The Press File: Ohio State coach / Lord and Supreme Emperor of Ohio Jim Tressel said on Tuesday that, yes, he was rooting for Michigan against Appalachian State last weekend. Claimed Tressel: "I'm never glad when a conference opponent loses outside of your game with them. You're always rooting for your brethren in the Big Ten." When they played this clip on the Big Ten Network, analyst and former Indiana head coach Gerry DiNardo responded: “I’m not so sure I buy that.” Gerry DiNardo immediately jumped into the TCFA All-Time 50 Greatest People List. Who was demoted? Mike Unger.

• Bobby Bowden is having some tough times down in Tallahassee. His once proud ‘Noles got stomped by Clemson last weekend, and Bowden—now clinging to a two-game lead over Joe Paterno in The Race For The Most Wins Ever And The Record That Will Never, Ever Be Broken—doesn’t sound very optimistic about his team’s chances the rest of the season. Said The Good Old Man: "I've never seen us so inept on offense. But then you go look at the film and see why. It seemed like everything we did was wrong. We missed assignments. We lined up incorrectly. The play was supposed to go right, (but) the backs went left." May I suggest that Florida State recruit some smarter players?

• Finally, we present this week’s What The F Are They Thinking Award: Nebraska just gave head coach Bill Callahan a five-year contract extension. It will pay him $1.75 million per year. Want to know what Callahan’s record is in his first four seasons at Lincoln? 23-15.