Sep 11, 2009

I have tailgated before dawn.

I have tailgated after dusk.

I have tailgated in the rain. I have tailgated in the snow. I have tailgated in hurricanes. Three of them, in fact. They’re messy.

I have tailgated big, and I have tailgated small.

I have tailgated on muddy farm fields. I have tailgated under a highway overpass. I have tailgated in a parking garage. I have tailgated on the banks of Lake Michigan. I have tailgated on the banks of the Severn River (well, kind of).

I have tailgated with beer (Victory Hop Devil!) and I have tailgated with Bloody Marys. I have never tailgated with Miller Lite.

I have tailgated with good friends. I have tailgated total strangers.

But you know what I’ve never done?

I’ve never tailgated with my parents.

Yep, it’s true, folks.

Despite the fact that Mr. and Mrs. Patrick J. Hyland Sr. sent all three of their kids through Penn State (“That was my retirement, Tim” my father occasionally says), despite the fact that they love college football, and despite the fact that they are now die-hard Penn State fans living in enemy territory (Ohio, of all places), my folks have never set foot at a tailgate.

Well, we’re fixin' to fix that.

This weekend Your Editor is taking the first of his two annual treks up to Happy Valley, and we will be tailgating.

Mrs. Your Editor is coming along. So, too, are Young Jack, The Ever-Demanding Anna and Baby Leah. Plus my sister Colleen. Possibly my brother-in-law Bobby (if he’s awake).

And my parents.

Which means, beyond all else, that the pressure is on. I’ve got something to prove this Saturday, folks.

For years now, my folks have put up with my stories of Penn State Saturdays. They’ve heard me tell tales of tailgating In The Shadow of Mount Nittany. They’ve listened to me wax poetic about that wonderful odor that greets us Penn Staters when we arrive, bright and early, at our dewey tailgating fields: Cow manure (it’s the smell of impending victory, folks). They’ve listened patiently as I’ve extolled the virtues of the Vodka Martini with Blue-Cheese Stuffed Olives.

Now, they’re going to experience it.

All of it.

Whether they like or not.

I mean, to be completely honest, I am rather certain my folks would much prefer hanging out at the hotel bar in the hours leading up to Penn State’s Saturday showdown with Syracuse, our old Eastern rival.

I’m not sure they’re entirely thrilled with the idea of drinking martinis out of plastic cups in a cow pasture. I’m sure they’ll raise an eyebrow when Your Editor and Your Editor’s Sister pack up the car and head out to find our parking spot at 6:40 a.m. And as for eating bratwursts at 9 a.m.? Well, that’s a non-starter.

I mean, let’s face it: My parents are classy folks. They're Clevelanders, after all. And so tailgating out in the country may not prove to be their cup o’ tea. I mean, the cow manure takes some getting used to.

But you know what?

It won’t be all that bad. In fact, it is more than likely to be quite good.

Because it will be a morning spent tailgating.

With family.

At a college football game.

And as they say (well, as I say), a morning spent tailgating with family at a college football game is better than a morning spent doing just about anything else.

Especially when the tailgate takes place in Happy Valley.

Viva cow manure, folks.

Viva victory.

Out And About: News And Notes You May Have Missed

• So just how good is USC freshman quarterback Matt Barkley? Well, we’re about to find out. I’ll say this much, though: All signs point to this kid being legit. Let me offer some background on Your 2011 Suzuki Heisman Trophy Winner: He won the starting job at California’s much-ballyhooed Mater Dei High School as a true freshman. He was the first junior in high school football history to be named Gatorade Player of the Year. And ESPN.com columnist Gene Wojciechowski recently predicted that Barkley will go down as one of the greatest players in Trojan history. It all sounds very Ron Pawlus-ish, but the reality is, Barkely must be pretty good. Because he beat out two damn good quarterbacks—Aaron Corp and Mitch Mustain—to win the starting job in the first place. Then, in his much-anticipated debut last weekend, he completed 15 of 19 passes for 233 yards and a touchdown in the Trojans’ easy win over San Jose State. Yes, he looked good. Damn good, in fact. But now the true test arrives: A road date against The Much-Maligned Ohio State Buckeyes of the Much-Maligned Big Ten Conference. The Much-Maligned Ohio State Crowd figures to be extraordinarily grumpy, of course, and so do the Buckeyes themselves, given all of the crap (hi, ESPN) they’ve had thrown at them over the past couple of years. I mean, it’s gonna be nasty at the ‘Shoe, folks. Hence the popular theory (at least within The Kingdom of Ro*Tel) that Barkley will crumble in the face of all the pressure, all the nastiness. Well, it’s a good theory. At least I think so (yes, I am picking the Buckeyes; check out our Prognositcations page). But Barkley isn’t worried—not about the Buckeyes, and not about the crowd. Said Your 2011 Suzuki Heisman Trophy Winner: "Bring it on. I'll imagine they're all cheering for us." Ohio State fans, I believe the California boy is “talking trash” there.

• As longtime TCFA readers know, Your Editor has always been a fan of Ole Ball Coach. I liked the guy back during his miraculous tenure at Duke. I liked him during his stint at Florida, when he put together the most dominating stretch of success in modern SEC history and became the league’s Public Enemy No. 1 (current SEC Public Enemy No. 1: The NCAA Rulebook). I even liked the guy when he went to the NFL (snore). I liked him even more when he left, and I still like him now that he’s down at South Carolina. But, I must admit, I don’t like what he’s become: Ole Shell of Ole Ball Coach. I don’t know how you feel about him, folks, but Ole Shell of Ole Ball Coach (aka OSOBC) is nowhere near as fun as Ole Ball Coach. OSOBC doesn’t fling his visor much. He doesn’t win a whole lot of games. And he’s nowhere near the offensive genius that Ole Ball Coach was. For pretty much the entirety of OSOBC’s tenure in Columbia, the Gamecock offense has been stunningly average. Boring. Pedestrian. Decidedly non-Ole Ball Coachian. And this year is more of the same. In their opener last week against North Carolina State, the Gamecocks scored all of 7 points. Seven! They had only 256 yards of offense. And they looked like crap. OSOBC knows it, too. Asked this week about this offensive woes in Columbia, OSOBC said: “It has been a struggle, even compared to our Duke teams. It’s not as much fun as it used to be, but we’re getting there.” Ole Ball Coach would never have accepted “getting there, folks.” This OSOBC has gotta go.

• Devon Smith is listed in the Penn State media guide at 5-foot, 7-inches and 153 pounds. Neither measurement is anywhere close to accurate. Because Smith, a freshman wideout and kick returner, is a lot closer to 5-5. And 140. In fact, Smith is so small that, despite his blazing speed—more on this in a bit—he received scholarship offers from only the following schools: Eastern Michigan. Temple. Akron. And, at the last minute, Penn State. The Nits’ coaches took their time offering Smith because, like most other staffs, they worried Smith just wasn’t big enough to play big-time college football. Eventually they decided they were willing to take a risk on the kid, though, and for one reason: That aforementioned speed. Smith was Maryland’s high school sprint champion as a senior, posted a ridiculous time at the Scout.com combine last year, and upon arriving in Happy Valley, quickly established himself as the fastest player on the team—and, according to his teammates, it’s not even close (insert Big Ten/slow joke here). Penn State reports that Smith recently turned in a sub-4.2 40-yard dash. Which is why, against all odds, it was Smith—not one of the Nits’ more highly acclaimed newbies—who saw the most action among all true freshman last week against Akron. He looked good, too—good enough that CollegeFootballNews.com this week compared Smith to former LSU standout Trindon Holliday. Said Penn State Coach and Great Man Joe Paterno: "[Smith] has got great speed and he catches the ball and he's really a heck of a competitor. I think as he gets in there and gets some feel for some things, he'll be able to make some big plays for us. When he gets a step on you, he's tough to catch." Northern speed, folks.

Quick Hits: Straight And To The Point

• I have bad news, folks: The National Football League (snore) opened its season last night, thereby kicking off another six-month effor to force Boring And Joyless Football down our throats. I know it’s upsetting for you. It’s upsetting for me, too. But together, we can get through this. Hang in there. Just ... hang in there.

• You know, for all the talk about how “brutal” the SEC is, here’s a fun fact: Precisely TWO opponents on Florida’s entire schedule are currently ranked. LSU at No. 11. And Georgia at No. 21. Oh my God what a crushingly difficult schedule how will the Gators ever survive playing two ranked teams. The Gators play Troy this week.

• Speaking of the SEC … when South Carolina takes on Georgia this week, well, my advice would be to take the under (snore). Because the winning team in this series has scored fewer than 20 points in seven of the last eight meetings. Damn Ole Shell of Ole Ball Coach.

• Interesting stat(s) of the week: Suzuki Heisman Trophy contenders Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow are not only great passing quarterbacks. They’re also outstanding runners. But they weren’t anywhere near outstanding last week. In Texas’ win over Louisiana-Monroe, McCoy was held to negative-3 yards rushing. And in the Gators “win” over Charleston Southern, Tebow was held to just one.

• If you haven’t been following the college football news lately, folks, well, let me assure you: This swine flu thing could be a problem. Ole Miss has been hit. ‘Bama has been hit.  Duke has been hit. And more teams are sure to follow. Could be a very strange season.

• Quotable: Southern Cal center Jeff Byers, on the impressive way freshman quarterback Matt Barkley responded to an early sack against San Jose State: "As a rookie quarterback, you get sacked and kind of get beat up and it's easy for him to go on the tank. But he came out and performed perfectly. More important than how he played, his numbers or whatnot, was just how he handled himself." Sounds great. But let’s see how he reacts on the road. At the 'Shoe.

• OK, I feel obligated weigh in on that whole Oregon-Boise State incident. So here goes: First, LeGarrette Blount’s punishment is far too harsh. Taking away his entire season for slugging a kid who (let's face it) deserved to be slugged? A little harsh, folks. A little harsh.  The kid is a football player. By taking away his senior season, all you’re doing is basically ruining his life; Second, Byron Hout—the gutless loser who started this mess by “trash-talking” after the final whistle had sounded—got off way too easy. He deserved a one-game suspension. At the very least. But Boise State coach Chris Petersen gave him … nothing. Instead, Hout is (of course!) being punished “in house.” Explained the equally gutless Peterson, who was questioned about the incident by CBS Sportsline’s Greg Doyel this week: “Byron is being disciplined -- there's no question about that. It was wrong to say anything to anybody on the football field, but I think if everybody got suspended for saying something, half the teams wouldn't have guys to play games." I used to respect Chris Petersen.

• During their weekly (outstanding) podcast this week, ESPN senior writer Ivan Maisel and TCFA Hall of Famer Beano Cook were discussing the Michigan-Notre Dame game—and all of the wonderful things that this great old rivalry brings to the American sports scene. The history. The traditions. The fight songs. The uniforms. Then there was a pause. And Maisel summed it all up: “It is everything that the NFL isn’t.” Viva Ivan Maisel.

• Speaking of Michigan-Notre Dame, I got a kick out of this headline, which topped Bob Wojnowski’s weekly college football column in the Detroit News: Winner of Michigan-Notre Dame can actually brag this year.

• As we all know, ESPN desperately wants Rutgers football to succeed, so the network can create some kind of college football “audience" in New York City (snore). I mean, ESPN has been pushing Rutgers on us for three years now, nevermind that the Scarlet Knights have not yet won a Big East title under Greg “I Really Should Have Taken That Michigan Job” Schiano. Or accomplished anything more significant than playing in the “Texas Bowl.” Now, mind out, folks: Nobody’s taken the Rutgers bait yet. But that doesn’t mean The Worldwide Leader In Bias is giving up. Nope. Not at all. The folks up in Bristol and out in Los Angeles (rrr) are still giving us the hard sell on the idea that Rutgers actually matters—and, more annoyingly, the idea that the school’s campus is located directly across the river from Manhattan. Opening their broadcast of the Rutgers-Cincinnati game on Monday—and wasn’t that fun, Rutgers fans?—ESPN described Rutgers Stadium as being located “in the shadow of the Big Apple.” For the record, folks, Rutgers Stadium is 31 miles from the Big Apple. And the "Big Apple" is still a really dumb nickname for a city.

• Speaking of fruit and cities, back in the 1980s, the marketing geniuses behind the City of Cleveland (Your Editor’s Hometown) decided to take a page out of the New York City playbook. So they launched a campaign trying to market Cleveland as “a plum.” I kid you not, folks. A plum. The Slogan read as follows: "Cleveland: It’s a Plum." I wonder why that didn’t work.

• Finally, a note about A Team You Don't Care About: Watch out for Baylor, folks.