Sep 18, 2009

There has been much discussion in the media recently regarding the increasing “lack of civility” in our culture.

The boorishness. The rudeness. The downright nastiness.

All of this talk, of course, was sparked by a series of completely unrelated and ultimately irrelevant events—Congressman Joe Wilson (snore) yelling “You lie!” at President Obama; Serena Williams berating a (bad) tennis official after a blown call at the U.S. Open; and hip-hop star Kanye West stealing the microphone away from country star Taylor Swift during some MTV awards show (snore).

Well, I’ll be frank here, folks: I don’t care about any of that (and hope you don’t, either)

What I do care about is the fact that, over the past week or so, we have been subjected to one of the dumbest national debates in the history of dumb national debates, as talking heads on the cable news networks (snore) wonder if our society is headed south—and if, just maybe, we’re a just little bit too mean to each other.

Well, I’ll end that debate right now: Yes, we are a little bit too mean to each other.

But you know what? We’ve always been too mean to each other. Human beings aren’t always nice because we enjoy being mean. At least sometimes.

Which brings me to (awkward segue here) college football, a sport in which being mean is not only accepted, but celebrated.

And thank God for that, folks.

Because, let’s be frank, meanness has served the game quite well.

Take, for instance, Wayne Woodrow Hayes, who is very likely the most revered man in Ohio history (well, it’s either him or Bernie Kosar). But let’s face it: Hayes was one mean S.O.B. Ruthless. Bitter. Merciless. Back in 1968, Hayes’ Buckeyes were crushing rival Michigan late in the fourth quarter, 42-14. But Hayes ordered his team to march down the field for another score anyway. Which they did. Then the coach went for two. Final score, 50-14. Asked afterward why he would do such a thing, Hayes famously replied: “Because I couldn’t go for three.”

Now, was Hayes criticized for this act of outright meanness—this intentional humiliation of his opponent? Well, maybe at the time.

But today, the story is legend.

Because fans like us? Well, we love that kind of stuff.

We also loved Ole Ball Coach.

Back before he reverted into Ole Shell of Ole Ball Coach, OBC was just about the meanest guy in the business. He made no bones about it: His goal every Saturday was not only to beat his opponent, not only destroy them, but also mock their incompetence. Who can forget OBC’s famous proclamation about Tennessee—the team that could never beat his Gators, and therefore were relegated every year to the Citrus Bowl? Said Ole Ball Coach: “You can’t spell Citrus without UT … I know why Peyton [Manning] came back for his senior year. He wanted to be a three-time Citrus Bowl MVP."

Then there’s Bear Bryant.

They called the man Bear for a reason, folks. And it wasn’t because he was cuddly. The man was beyond mean. Maniacal, even. Just ask those boys he coached at Texas A&M back in 1954—you know, the ones he literally almost killed in order to, as they might say down South, separate the wheat from the chaff.

Brutal practices.

Brutal heat.

Water breaks not necessary.

Injuries not allowed.

If you died, you died.

That’s the way Bryant operated back then.

Now, nearly killing people in order to win football games? Well, I think it’s safe to file that one under “mean,” folks. Yet if there is a more celebrated figure in college football than Bear Bryant, well, I haven’t heard of him. Hell, ESPN even made that whole A&M incident into a movie. A happy movie.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself: “Well, all of that may be true. But those days have passed. Today’s college football world is much classier. Much nicer. Less mean.”

Well, if you are thinking to this to yourself, I beg you to think again—and to tune in this Saturday at 3:30 p.m. to see Florida play Tennessee.

It will be three-hour education in mean, folks. Mean beyond all reason.

In case you hadn’t heard, a few months back Tennessee’s new coach, Lane Kiffin, publicly accused Florida coach Urban Meyer of cheating. Meyer didn’t like that. Nor did his players. Even The World’s Greatest Player Ever and Savior of the World According to ESPN is angry about it. And after seeing what Meyer did to Georgia coach Mark Richt last year (a refresher: he ran up the score on poor Richt, handing him his worst-ever defeat, then called two late timeouts just to prolong the misery), I can assure you of this: Meyer has got some special kind of pain planned for Tennessee.

If he's winning by 60, he’ll try for 70.  If he’s winning by 70, he’ll try for 80.

He’ll pull every dirty trick in the book. He’ll play his starters deep into the fourth quarter. He will do everything in his power to completely and utterly humiliate every Tennessee player, coach, fan and alumnus.

Meyer will not be nice. He will not be civil. He will not act in a way that society would prefer him to act.

But you know what?

We’re all going to watch what he does to those poor Vols. We’re going to enjoy watching, too. Because it’s going to be damn entertaining watching Kiffin get what’s coming to him.

And 20 years from now, when Rep. Wilson is all but forgotten, when Serena Williams has long since retired and when Kanye West is some washed-up has-been, Florida fans will still be talking about what ole coach Meyer did to the Vols back in ’09.

With reverence.

Out And About: News And Notes You May Have Missed

• I never thought this day would come. But it has, folks. And it’s one of the biggest stories of the 2009 season: The Senator is under fire down in Columbus. In the wake of Ohio State’s crushing 18-15 loss to USC on Saturday night, Buckeye fans aren't placing blame for the loss on their defense (which couldn’t come up with a stop against a true freshman quarterback with the game on the line). They’re not placing blame on their quarterback (who looked like a [cliché on the way] deer lost in the headlights in crunch time), either. They’re not even blaming the loss on the fact that USC is just a better team. No, they’re blaming their coach—even though the man has delivered one of the most dominant stretches of success in Big Ten history. Yes, believe it or not, folks, there is talk (among fans, and even some media types) that The Senator is now officially on the hot seat at Ohio State—specificallly because of his repeated (recent) failures against Top 10 teams and, maybe more specifically, because of his refusal to even consider changing his offensive philosophies. An increasing number of Buckeye fans (and at least one very perceptive analyst) say the Senator's one fatal flaw is that he’s just too damn conservative. That he won’t use his weapons (see: Pryor). That he won’t take risks. That he won’t put away teams when he’s got a chance. The criticism of The Once-Revered Senator is odd enough. What’s even odder, however, is the fact that he seems to be bothered by it. Asked during his weekly press conference whether he felt bad for Ohio State fans who have seen their team fail on the biggest stages of late, an unusually testy Senator replied: “I feel terrible for them because there's no way they're happy. They've got to be some of the most unhappy people in the world, and I feel bad because we just made them less happy. And I hate to be a part of making someone less happy. I mean, they're already miserable and to make them less happy, I feel bad." The Senator is cracking up, folks.

• Lane Kiffin has to get better at this whole trash-talking thing. See, folks, if you’re going to come out and all but guarantee a win over your biggest rival (which Kiffin did back in December), and if you’re going to then accuse your biggest rival’s coach of cheating (which he did back in February), then you can’t just start playing nice and pretending that you actually “respect” said rival come September. No matter, Kiffin is trying anyway, having spent much of the the past week doing his best Lou Holtz impersonation—and making the 2009 Florida Gators out to be The Greatest Team In the History of Organized Sport. And, no, I’m not exaggerating. Said The-Ever Deceptive One: "I look at their 11 starters on defense and I think you have 11 NFL players. I would think they're the most talented defense ever to play. And probably the best quarterback to ever play college football.” That’s right, folks. This Florida team has the best defense in the history of college football and the best quarterback in the history of college football. Amazing, then, that they lost to Ole Miss last year. At home.

• I ‘d hate to overstate things, folks. And I’d really hate to echo the thoughts of ESPN Resident Meathead Todd McShay. But at the risk of overstating things and echoing the thoughts of ESPN Resident Meathead Todd McShay, I must say: When Notre Dame takes on Michigan State this Saturday, The Arrogant One's job might finally be on the line. A week ago, folks in South Bend (and elsewhere, like Bristol; snore) were talking about the Irish as a legitimate national tile contender (and, no, for the record, I wasn’t). Today, though, everyone’s back to grumbling about The Arrogant One, who hasn’t appreciably improved the Irish program since his arrival and, last week, coached his team out of a win at Michigan (apparently they don’t offer Clock Management 101 in the NFL; snore). So now, having already suffered one loss on the season (the Irish can only afford two if they want a shot at the BCS, and you can assume USC will be that second loss), the Irish this week have to take on the absolute last team they can want to face (Michigan State) at the absolute worst time (one week after a classic Michigan State meltdown). In vintage Sparty fashion, Michigan State last Saturday stumbled and bumbled their way to a 29-27 loss to Directional Michigan. So you just know this week they’ll play their best game of the year. Will the Irish be ready for the Hurricane o’ Sparty that awaits? Well, I have my doubts. Besides, The Arrogant One has spent more time this week complaining about the officiating in that Michigan game (and Lord knows Notre Dame has never benefitted from a bad call) than talking about Michigan State, which, despite that Directional Defeat, is actually a pretty damn good team. And then there’s this: Sparty hasn't lost a game at South Bend since freaking 1993. What say you of that, Lord of Arrogance? "It's an attention-getter. It's a very good teaching tool." Even when he tries not to be, folks, he is arrogant.

Quick Hits: Straight And To The Point

• As you folks know, I love me some Triple Option. So much so that I actually picked Georgia Tech to win the ACC. But as I sit here watching the Yellow Jackets take on Miami at something called "Landshark Stadium" (And, by the way, it is now official: Miami has the worst home stadium in the country), I’ll say this much: Tech ain't gonna come close to a league title unless quarterback Josh Nesbitt can figure out how to throw the ball. He makes Terrelle Pryor look like Joe Montana (the Notre Dame years, not the NFL ones; snore).

• I tried to watch some NFL last Sunday. Got home from Happy Valley, flipped on the TV, saw about three seconds of the Eagles game. Then they cut away for commercial. Four minutes later, they were still on commercial. I turned off the TV and mowed the lawn instead. Sorry NFL fans, but that brand o' ball remains Boring and Joyless Football. I cannot fathom your interest.

• Interesting quote from former Ohio State quarterback Craig Krenzel, speaking this week to the Columbus Dispatch about Terrelle Pryor and the Buckeye offense: "I think not knowing what they're about [on offense] is kind of a byproduct of Terrelle. He's kind of an unknown, in the way, of what can he do with his arm. I'm not convinced that you can sit there and say, 'OK, Terrelle, we need to throw it 30 times,' and that he is going to be consistently good enough to do that." Hmm.

• And another, from the same article, by former Ohio State linebacker and Massive Buckeye Homer Chris Spileman: "Even in the Navy game I felt like, 'Come on, Terrelle, take it and go. Stiff arm, punch, drive,' … I mean, run like you can run. You have God-given gifts that people would die to have. Use them."

• Wisconsin has suffered the wrath of swine flu. So has Ole Miss. And Georgia. And Washington State. And Duke. And 'Bama. And, believe me, folks, there will be a team this season—maybe a very good team—that loses a game because of this nasty and annoying bug. You can count on it. Said Texas coach Mack Brown: “It scares us to death.”

• Interesting timing for this story to appear (in a Florida newspaper, no less). Former Tennessee coach Phil Fulmer, who was forced out last year after posting a 152-52 record (and winning a national title) in 17 seasons at his alma mater, told the Daytona Beach News-Herald this week that he’s still displeased about how he was treated by UT. Said Fulmer: "I'm still PO'd to say the least. There's probably a couple of people there that I'm not going to invite to Christmas dinner any time soon. I’ve chosen the best I can to take the high road. I really love Tennessee, so let there be no doubt about that. It's very much a part of me."

• The Colonial Athletic Association (that’s an FCS aka Division I-AA league, folks) is 4-4 against Division I teams this season. The league would have been 5-3 had not Maryland lucked out with a 38-35 win over CAA member James Madison last week. Maybe the CAA deserves the Big East’s BCS bid. Or the ACC's.

• There have been some great moments in the Notre Dame-Michigan State rivalry over the years, folks. None better, though, than Michigan State fan and sportstalk radio host Mike Valenti’s historic rant about Sparty's unbelievable collapse against the Irish in 2006. I'm telling you, folks, if you've never heard this, you must listen. I doubt you have the time to sit through all 15 minutes. But at the very last, start listening here, when things really get interesting ("You are the worst defensive coordinator ... ever!"). This is what happens to a man who dedicates his life to following Michigan State football, folks. It is both hilarious and hilariously sad.